They Are Fast Strange Times...

I’m Awesome. Just Ask Me.

2011-06-21T09:35:00.001-07:00

*Note: Names and details have been changed to protect the ~~mean~~ innocent.

I learned something yesterday. Not everyone likes me. I know! I was filled with shock and awe myself. Me! How is there anyone out there that doesn’t like ME!?! I’m awesome – just ask me.

Well, in reality I’m shocked there is anyone that does actually like me. I have people that I’ve known for most of my life that by now are required to like me (ahem, Michelle). There are people who are required to put up with me – sorry in-laws. But, in all reality I am shy and insecure and surprised that anyone truly likes me. Especially at times like last weekend, when my house was bursting with people that came for the singular purpose of wishing us luck on our move and having a chance to say a personal good-bye. I’m always astounded that there are people that are not required to put up with me and continue to choose to spend time with me. Not that I think I’m all that horrible. I like me. Doug likes me. I like other people, so I shouldn’t be surprised when I fall into the “other people” category of someone else, right? Not so much.

I was still taken aback when talking to Megan* on the phone and she says “So, why doesn’t Hailey like you?”. Um, I didn’t know she didn’t. Not like we’re best buds or anything. We’re not planning vacations together but we do have some inter-connecting circles and are often at the same gatherings where we chat and (I thought) got on well enough. In a conversation with Leslie, Megan was told something along the lines of “Hailey doesn’t really like Brandy and I don’t know why”. Hmmm. Well, Brandy doesn’t know why either. I do know how Sweet-Valley-Vomit this sounds.

Doug said I shouldn’t worry about it and that since he likes me no one else should matter. And in a way I suppose he’s right. Then again, it sucks. While I will be the first to admit that Hailey is not someone that would be on the top of my list of new shopping buddies, I don’t dislike her. I don’t think she’s a bad human out drowning kittens in her off hours. We just don’t have a strong connection. We’re different types of women, different types of parents, and there is a bit of an age gap. But I still like her! We have some significant commonalities that I thought would at least make us allies. Doug said “so just ask her”. Oh yeah right. Hasn’t the fact that I’m even having this conversation clued you in that I’ve been punted squarely into being a 11 year old that got left out of the birthday party?

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the whole thing. I do know how silly it must seem to even care, but I do. It hurts my feelings and bruises my pride. My hard candy outside and evil gooey center hide a tender heart that bleeds easily. So if I’m extra ~~bitchy~~ awesome for the next few days you can add this to the list of why.

I guess it’s time to update my press release.

Something New

2011-06-20T06:54:00.001-07:00

For a while now I’ve been thinking about getting a website. There’s been no real reason behind it. Mainly…I just wanna. And in our uber-digital, drag-and-drop time, why the hell not? So I did it. I bought the domain and a year of web-hosting and set up www.brandystrange.com. Right now it’s a jumble of, well, nothing. I’m still trying to figure it out and still playing with the settings. I don’t know that I’ll ever really do anything with it. I’ve thought about moving the blog there. For now the decision is to keep the blog right where it is. The Strange Times Facebook page will be updated with whatever is the most current site.

In grand, Brandy-like fashion, it’ll probably fizzle out after a couple of months. But, who knows - this has some how managed to hang on for about 3 years – there could be greatness in store!

Stay tuned!

Make It SHINE!

2011-06-15T23:49:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: This here post is what’s known as “over-sharing”. If the knowledge that you’re going to be reading about something that happened to my va-jay-jay is a little more than you can handle I totally understand. For the rest of you… you’ve been warned.

I bought a deal on Living Social for a Brazilian and eyebrow wax. Or, what I like to call the “Eye-brow and Thigh-brow” combo pack. This is something I’ve really wanted to do for a long time but never been able to scrape up the courage to actually do it! Toss it at me at 50% off and add in an eyebrow wax on top of it? Amen! I’m in there. Well, more accurately, the salon lady was “in there”, but we’re not that far in the story yet. Anyway. I was telling a girlfriend that I had actually bought the package and I was going to go do it. She asked if I was nervous.

Um…d’uh! Lady with hot wax gonna pull the hair off my lady-parts! Yeah, nervous seems to cover it. Apparently what scared her the most was having to walk in the salon and saying “Hi, here’s my junk! Now wax it and make it SHINE!”. See, these are the people I hang out with.

I get to my appointment this morning and I’m nervous. Jessica, the gal at Fleur de Lis Spa and Boutique, was super nice. She asked if I had done this before and if I was nervous (see above). Now understand that the salon was beautiful and there was The Beatles playing softly in the background. Could it be any more perfect? She hands me a “spa-panty” and tells me to get undressed from the waist down and put them on and she’ll be back. I’m not really sure of the reason behind the spa-panty. Are we really trying to preserve my modesty when I’ve paid you money to rip hot wax off of my vagina with a narrow strip of muslin? I’m pretty sure there are 17 states in this fine country of ours where I’d be arrested for being in a room with no pants, another woman, hot wax and a box full of popsicle sticks in the first place. Modesty is really no longer an issue.

I’ll skip too much detail but will say that surprisingly it wasn’t that bad. No really. Like getting your eyebrows waxed… only not. There was only two spots where I was really questioning whether or not I could leave right then and have to later (willingly) explain to my husband why I had a partially bald vagina.

Jessica says: “there’s usually one spot that feels like your vagina is actually getting ripped OFF” Gee, ya think.

I will say that the Brazilians are some twisted, Commie bastards. I learned one inalienable truth of the universe today: Any time you’re laying on your side in a spa-panty and someone says to you “now don’t let your cheeks touch” nothing good is going to happen!! You’re not about to win the lottery. The Easter Bunny is not going to leave you a basket of jellybeans. Your husband is not going to finally take out the fucking trash without being asked (ok, that one might happen but I think that’s a different type of blog you should be looking at and I’m pretty sure you’re gonna need to be 18 and have a credit card). Oddly, not the worst part of my day.

For those that are wondering, totally worth it. And yes, I’d do it again. Are you really surprised?

Life Lesson #843

2011-06-08T13:25:00.001-07:00

When riding in the car with Mom, don’t complain about the radio station. When I tell you “I like this station” do not continue to complain and request a change of stations.

Fine. What, you’re not happy? But, I changed the station.

Continued Mooooooommmm! Ppppllleeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeee! only results in us listening to Mexican radio for the remaining 10 minutes we’re in the car. LOUD Mexican radio. I kind of like Mexican radio. I did what you asked, I changed the station. Next time maybe Mom will get to listen to what Mom wants to listen to in the car that…wait for it… MOM PAYS FOR!

Oh, and yes, I did know what you meant when you asked me to change the station. What’s that? It’s frustrating to have someone do something that they know is not what you wanted them to do even though they are technically doing what you asked? Really? Huh. Imagine that.

Sometimes life lessons are fun. For me anyway.

Breastfeeding Struggles

2011-06-04T09:29:00.001-07:00

If you know me at all you know that I am an advocate for breastfeeding. I think it’s fantastic! I hate the way formula is marketed to parents and what little education and help we receive for breastfeeding. In the beginning breastfeeding is hard and a lot of work. Hell, sometimes that never goes away. There are a very small percentage of people who truly can not breastfeed or who do not make enough milk – even with the help of all of the different things you can do to increase your supply. Most of the problem comes in when in the first couple of months you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. You’re sleep deprived, you’re hormonal and you’re convinced you’re going to starve your baby. We all do it. Whether you’ve never put your babe to breast or she’s been attached to your boob since before the placenta was delivered.

Now for the record, not all of my children were breastfed until kindergarten. I’m not that chick. (If you are – Amen to you sista!) Krsyty was breastfed for about a month. No support or education and when I was worried the answer I got was “just give her a bottle, you don’t have to breastfeed her”. Um, ok. I’m 17, that works for me. Allie was born so tiny that she couldn’t use the calories it required to eat, so she was tube fed for more than 2 weeks. I pumped for a while and she ate what I pumped. But truthfully that didn’t last long. With Jane I was 22, had two other kids under 5 and there was zero support or education for me. I also went back to work when she was 3 weeks old. They are all fine and perfectly functioning. I was formula fed. Although, now that I say that, I’m probably not proving a very good point!

Fiona took to the breast like a champ! She nursed within minutes of being born and stayed there for almost 2 hours. She was a good, strong and efficient eater. She weaned herself at almost 12 months and went straight to milk. I had a clogged duct twice that never lasted for more than 12 hours. This was a dream! I couldn’t believe how easy it was. I spent my entire pregnancy with Georgiana dreaming about what a wonderful breastfeeding experience we were going to have. Boy was I wrong.

What all the breastfeeding propaganda (yep, I went there. It even feels that way to me sometimes) fails to mention is that sometimes it isn’t you. It’s that little person on the other side of the breast that’s the problem. Babies are not born to breastfeed. They’re not born to formula feed either. They’re born to eat. That’s what they know. They know they need to eat and it’s our jobs to teach them how that happens. Being a parent does start that early, folks. Getting them to do it doesn’t always work the way we want it to. Yup, rebellion starts that early, too.

Georgiana is a great baby. A GREAT baby. She has her father’s temperament. She doesn’t get riled easily, she’s not a fussy baby. She is quiet and content most of the time. I keep telling her that she needs to speak up or she’s gonna get left somewhere one day with the size of this bunch. .

The problem is, she’s a lazy eater. L.A.Z.Y I tell ya! And we have some spit-up issues. And by spit-up issues I mean “holy shit where the hell is all that disgusting stuff coming out of her mouth coming from, I’m not even sure she ate that much, oh damn, now she’s choking” issues. When I took her in for her two week check she hadn’t yet reached her birth weight. Her doctor said to try to increase her feedings and add some pumped milk in to try to fatten her up a bit. She gained but not much. When I went in at my six week check-up she still wasn’t really gaining weight. She’s a slow eater. She falls asleep and stays that way. She only wants to eat so much and eating at the booby is work – did I mention she’s lazy? We figured that because of how much she was spitting up she just wasn’t keeping the calories in she needed. Dr. Merrill suggested that I “supplement” at her feedings. He never did say the “F” word, just let me come to that on my own, and I’m thankful for that. We tried Zantac and that didn’t help. So I decided that splitting her feedings half breast milk/half formula was the best idea. It was giving her the extra calories she obviously wasn’t getting from me while still getting the benefits of the breast milk. I tried a “gentle” version formula. It was better but could still be improved. I switched her to a soy version and Holy Mother of God! SUCCESS! Looks like my girl has either a lactose sensitivity like me or a milk protein allergy that she’ll hopefully grow out of. The spitting is still there. After she eats you still have to be careful and whatever you do, do not lay the child flat. We have a weight-check appointment on Wednesday. Fingers crossed that we see a “good” weight.

So for now I sit attached to this stupid breast pump and feeling like a dairy cow. Thankfully I found this nifty bra…

Gee, don’t you wish you were me? Hint: I do not look this cheerful while hooked up to this contraption. Just sayin’.

Hang On Tight

2011-06-01T07:29:00.001-07:00

This move has put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I wasn’t prepared for that.

Kraig and I moved a lot. My older girls went to a different school every year until we moved here. The brass ring was always in sight and we jumped at it every time. When Doug and I moved here it was a chance to settle down and have a family. I don’t know how much I actually settled in here. There are things still in boxes from the move in. The garage is full of “I’ll get to it”. Things that need to be sorted or donated. I was finally starting to feel like we weren’t going anywhere and this pops up. It’s finally starting to sink in that we’re leaving. In 30 days we’re on the road. I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around it a little. Part of me has gone into moving-mode. Another part is fighting leaving this stability that we have built here. And yet another is trying to make the two work together. Oil and water, I tell ya!

In the last four years we have moved in together, gotten married, and had two kids. Doug’s had three jobs. Krystyne started high school. Allie started – and has now completed – middle school. Life has been created and lost in this house. I’ve made friends. Real, true and honest friends. I’ve found myself and defined who I am.

I am in such a weird place. I am looking forward to the time with family. My cousin, Alfredo, that I was so close to growing up will live within blocks. I’m looking forward to getting to know another better (It’s all you, Rene!). My kids will be able to have grandparents, aunts, and cousins around all the time. We’re an obnoxiously social bunch. When Doug and I got together I thought that it was an opportunity to have family close again. They’re a private bunch. The pop-ins and hang-outs I expected didn’t happen. I talk to my mom three times a week at least. She sees my sister about that much and my aunt almost daily. While my mom makes me a special kind of crazy (stop acting all shocked, Mom) we do pretty good when we have our own corners to retreat to. I haven’t lived this close to my family in 15 years or so.

And yet…

My friends are here. That sounds so juvenile and petty. You can almost hear the foot stomping. Which is good, because it’s there. Friends! For the first time in my adult life I have a good, solid, supportive group of girlfriends. Putting the call out that I need “mediocre-Mexican” means something (at 34 means something way different than it would have at 24!).When my life is overwhelming, or completely friggin’ awesome, there is someone that I can just call and share it with. I have somewhere to be when my marriage or kids are trying my patience. A release when it seems like everyone in my house is tap-dancing on my last nerve. I have support that I am actually doing a good job and not making my kids into serial killers because I don’t hug them enough. I have a reminder that no one ever died from an un-mopped floor. There’s someone to drink wine and laugh with. Someone to to giggle over girl-stuff until we cry. These are the friends that you tell stuff your husband would be mortified if he knew what you shared with.

How do I find the balance? I don’t think I can. For now I just have to let the “mover” in my brain take over and let the rest figure itself out. I think the physical act of packing is the hardest part. One thing at a time I am removing myself from my home and the life I have built here. With every closed box I am farther from the support I need so desperately right now. Looking at my husband’s travel schedule for the next month is a great help. It reminds me that in the next two weeks he will be home 5 nights. And the two weeks after that I’ll be lucky to see him while it’s still light outside – and that’s saying something for this time of year in Washington.

So if it seems like I’m hiding, I am. If I don’t venture out I can manage to hold off just a little while longer. At least in my head. If I don’t call, don’t come to visit or update Facebook I can feel like I’m not saying goodbye with every conversation.

I should go pack…

Dear Ridge and Valley Women

2011-05-27T08:03:00.001-07:00

It’s taken me a while to write this because I’ve been in a bit of denial lately. I worried that it was negatively affecting the group and that’s why I turned it over to (the wonderful) Carla when I did. And truthfully that should have happened sooner but, I had a hard time letting go.

For those that don’t know, my husband has accepted a transfer opportunity with his job. He currently works 70+ hour weeks and travels a third of the time. Obviously this creates a poor work/life balance for all of us. We have been talking about and looking into different options for some time now. In just about a month we pack a truck and make the 1100 mile drive to southern California.

I wanted to take the time to thank all of the wonderful women in this group. When I started it just over a year ago I never expected anything to come out of it. I never expected that there would be this small community of women who have come to mean so much to me. It breaks my heart a little to have to give up and let go of this group. I started it out of a bit of rebellion. I had been rejected by other “Mom’s Groups” and told that I just wasn’t the type. I’m opinionated and have a potty mouth. I have an ex-husband and am not afraid to say I can’t afford something. I am not defined by my children. I know that my girls are not spectacular to anyone but me and am not afraid to admit I find stranger’s kids irritating. I knew (or at least hoped) there were other women around here like me. I wanted a place to be able to connect and support each other. I wanted to be able to bitch/celebrate about my house, my kids, my husband or the kick ass new shoes I just found. I wanted to have the joy that only comes from a good circle of girlfriends. I found it.

And now I’m leaving it behind. I have had to pull back a bit over the last few months. I feel as though I am severing a limb and now have to sit back and lick my wounds.

My older daughters are struggling with leaving their schools and friends behind. They’ve heard, but doubtfully understand, that this is what’s best for our family. I know it doesn’t make it easier for them. I do understand and it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Here I sit, in the shoes of my teenage daughters, and if fucking sucks.

I know that I am taking a bit of every one of you with me in my heart. I have made friendships here that will last a lifetime. I wish I could thank you all individually for what you have brought to my life. Through this group I have made connections and learned the real importance in having a strong group of women surrounding me. I have laughed until I snorted coffee, cried over losses and celebrated victories with you. We have welcomed new friends and had to say goodbye to others. Now it is my turn to say goodbye.

I wish you all the best in everything you do. Thanks to the magic of the internet we are never that far apart. And I promise to always be here with an inappropriate commentary or some ridiculously blunt take on parenting.

Thank you, Ladies –for all that you are and all that you have given me.

Brandy

The First Month

2011-05-04T08:58:00.001-07:00

I’m told quite frequently “I don’t know how you do it”. Let me tell you a little secret… I don’t. I’m glad that I am able to have this illusion that I have my shit together. But in all honesty – I don’t. My house is a disaster area, my kids don’t always get the attention they need and I’m snippy with my husband when he doesn’t deserve it. It’s a balancing act and most of the time I’m just trying to keep the shit that falls from breaking.

It’s been a month since Georgie was born and I keep thinking that at some point I’m going to get it all back together. I’m going to figure out how to have two very small children at home and still be able to be a functioning adult. I did this before, shouldn’t it be easier this time? Well, no. When I had Krysty and Allie I was barely 20 and too stupid to realize how bad I was fucking it all up. I didn’t struggle to prioritize my responsibilities because I wasn’t responsible. If the dishes or laundry didn’t get done or the bills didn’t get paid it didn’t matter. There is some bliss in ignorance. I feel like I’m dropping friendships and loosing connections because I just can’t find the time to do all that I need to, let alone the things I want to. I often hear that I need to just relax and everyone gets it. I know I do when it’s someone else. I don’t hold myself to the same standards or expectations I have for other people. Do any of us?

I have finally reached the point where I am not in tears every night. I think hormonally I am starting to balance out even if nothing else is. I’ve tried telling myself that I need to be on “maternity leave” for at least 12 weeks. Isn’t that about what everyone else gets? 12 weeks to be home from work with baby and adjust. The problem is that I can’t put my life on hold. I know that the pressure I am feeling is only what I put on myself. My husband understands. I just wish he would explain it to me so that I do.

It’s hard sometimes to rationalize what you would chastise a friend for doing. I am 25lbs over what I consider and “acceptable” weight. Not a goal or ideal, but acceptable. I am trying to find where I can fit in some exercise because that 25lbs is making me nuts. “Seriously, you look great, you just had a baby and you’ve already lost 25lbs, give yourself a break” is what I would tell me if I was my friend. Unfortunately I am not as good of friends with Me as I should be . “Georgiana’s fed and changed, some extra Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is not going to hurt Fiona, and the older kids should be helping out more”. See, I know all of this. It’s all the things my husband and friends tell me. But again, expectations are higher and not being met. Things are not getting done. My excuse of being pregnant and tired and blah blah blah are gone so now what? How do I rationalize turning from one excuse to why I’m not getting things done to another? Time to buck up and power through. Innovate. Adapt. Overcome. Be easier on myself, breathe and relax. These things do not mesh. Find the middle ground between the wife/mother/woman I want to be and what I am. Find acceptance in the wife/mother/woman that I am.

My goals for today are both easy and unattainable. I’m shooting for somewhere between useless and fucking awesome. One thing at a time. It’s been a month since Georgiana was born and this is where I am. I can’t believe so much time has past and how short that time really was. I wonder how the next month will turn out.

Georgiana Grace

2011-04-18T23:59:00.001-07:00

**Warning: This is my actual birth story. There may be TMI for some people. There are pictures. I’ve tried to keep them “modest” as I can, but this is about a natural birth. You’ve been warned**
When I was at the end of my pregnancy I had a really difficult time sleeping. Getting comfortable was almost impossible. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t fall asleep as easily as I usually do. I couldn’t move from side to side without effort. I couldn’t move at all without effort. To help relax and get to sleep I would visualize my labor and birth. I would write Georgiana’s birth story in my head and I could relax and fall asleep.
This is not that story. This is what actually happened.
Thursday, March 31, 2011, Georgiana Grace Strange made her entrance into this world at 12:41 PM.
I woke up Thursday and it was just like any other day. I had a cup of coffee. Checked Facebook and then logged on to work. I was making good progress and getting a lot done when I felt this “pop”. Kind of like when you step wrong and your knee pops. I looked down and said “I don’t know what you just did in there but knock it off, that hurt” and went back to work. A few minutes I felt like I had to pee (again) so I got up and that’s when I realized that “pop” was my water breaking. This is the first time I had ever experienced it breaking naturally. I went to the restroom and when I sat down I got the gush of water. Thankfully it was in the restroom and on the toilet. I changed my clothes and called up to Doug. (Thankfully he was home. He was supposed to fly to Yakima for work that day) I said “my water just broke” and his whole face lit up! I came upstairs and he asked how I was. I said I was fine and “looks like we’re having a baby today”.
I didn’t really think that things would progress as they did. I’ve read probably over a hundred birth stories. Your water breaks and sometimes nothing happens for hours or it’s a slow progression. That’s what I was prepared for.   I called my boss and let him know that I wasn’t disappearing but my water broke so I wasn’t sure how much I would be getting done that day (I never did get back to work). I updated my Facebook status. I texted some friends and Krysty (she was in CA for my uncle’s funeral). I had some breakfast. We had time. My water broke at 8 and we had plenty of time. I called my doula, Jen, just as a head’s up. I told her we had plenty of time. I was going to shower and get ready. We had to pack a bag. The girls weren’t even up. Doug called his boss and started shaving and I got in the shower. I had a small contraction here and there but nothing we needed to really pay attention to. I asked Doug to get in the shower with me. It was a nice intimate time for us. Just having to be so close together (our shower isn’t that big – but I was!) was nice. The hot water was relaxing and I was enjoying the closeness of my husband. It had been a crazy couple months and those few intimate moments mean the world to me. I had a couple more contractions, this time a little stronger. I told Doug it was time to get out and that we should probably get things together and get moving. By the time I was dressed I called Jen back and let her know it might be time to come out. I knew she had kids of her own to find care for and that it could take her some time to get out here. She said she’d be here in about an hour. I called the hospital and let them know my water broke but we weren’t heading in quite yet. Contractions were coming but they weren’t substantial yet. They said they would call Dr. Merrill since it was his day off and he wasn’t in town.

By this time I’m having to really concentrate through my contractions. We aren’t even bothering to time them because they’ve changed enough that we know it doesn’t really matter. Jen is on her way and we’d leave when she got here. The girls are starting to wake up. We’ve told them what’s going on and that they’ll have to stay at the house for now. We’ve had to make arrangements for Doug’s dad, Phil, to pick up my mom from the airport. She was flying in there was no way we would be able to pick her up. He would stop by the house and pick up the girls and bring them to the hospital. We’re still gathering stuff. We’re still trying to think of what we need to bring. I would have been 37 weeks on Friday, we thought we had more time and weren’t anywhere near ready.   I had managed to charge the video camera the week before (Spoiler alert: There is no video of the birth). More than once I had to get on my knees and lean over the bed and begin to vocalize through the contractions. I was glad to know that Jen was on her way. Doug came to me when he saw they were getting worse and rubbed my back and supported me through them. Jen got there right as Dr. Merrill called and asked how things were going. I let him know that we were heading in. He asked if I thought he should come in, too. This was my 5th baby and he asked how I felt things were going. I told him it might be a good idea for him to head to the hospital, too (he was 45 minutes away). We gathered the last of things together and left. Jen gave me some balls to put in the small of my back for counter-pressure and warned me about laboring in the car.

I was not prepared to labor in the car. HOLY SHIT! That was awful! I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t get comfortable. My contractions are really close together and I have to vocalize through them. There is no more just breathing. I have to just sit there but I can’t just sit there. Doug is doing a great job of distracting me and making me laugh by kicking my ass at Slug Bug. I think I did manage to get one!
When we pulled into the valet parking for St Elizabeth Hospital in Enumclaw I told Doug to just go in and get us signed in. They knew I was coming but I wasn’t sure what the procedure was for signing in. Jen had followed us and would be able to help me get in. I had to wait through a contraction to get out of the car anyway. And then another before I could head for the doors. We arrived at the hospital at noon.
When we got inside they said that I would have to “register”. I told them that I had just been in on Tuesday and that nothing was different. The front desk gal said “it’ll just take a minute”. I told her that I was in labor and had called and they knew I was coming. What she said I couldn’t make up. I’m not that funny. She looked at me and said “Well you’re not having the baby now are you?”. It took me a second to even form words. Who says that? The registration lady came out and I explained to her that I was just there on Tuesday and everything was the same and they knew I was coming upstairs. She said “it’ll just take a couple minutes”. I’ve never been so thankful for a contraction in my life! I was rocked by one at that very moment. I grabbed ahold of the counter, went into a deep squat and moaned through the contraction. Both women looked like I was about to drop the baby on the floor in front of them. “You can just fill out the paperwork later”. Gee, thanks gals. You’re tops.

We made it up to the birth center and as soon as we got to the labor room I told them I needed the restroom. I sat on the toilet and instantly felt the baby move down. It was like she was waiting for that very spot to get into position. I was feeling “pushy” and having to moan through some very difficult contractions. Jen heard me and came in to check. I could hardly move. She’s telling me we need to get out of the bathroom and I wasn’t sure I could do it. I think without her Georgiana would’ve been born on that toilet. With Jen’s help I made it back into the room. I believe I must’ve hit transition either in the car or in the bathroom.

From this point on in my mind everything pretty much happened at the same time. While I do remember most of the order the space between is pretty much not there. From this point on my brain is simply following the orders from my body. Everything is instinctual and I gave into that instinct. I allowed my body to take over and listened to the signals I needed to in order to birth my baby. Because I know when we got to the hospital (noon) and when Georgiana was born (12:41) I know that everything happened in that amount of time. It felt like 10 minutes if I had to guess. Otherwise I have no real recollection of time. Also, I have very few “picture memories”. There are some. Jen’s face here and there, or Doug’s smile, or his eyes – but that’s it. My memories are mostly feeling and audio. Like listening to a story with your eyes closed.

After I came out of the bathroom I immediately held onto Doug through another contraction. By this time the nurses are in and are asking if I can get on the bed so they can check how dilated I am. I looked at the bed and it was like a dream sequence from a movie where the furniture gets farther away the more you need to sit down. While I know it was only a couple of steps to the bed, it might as well have been a mile. I knew there was no way I was making it to the bed. When she asked again if I could make it to the bed I just shook my head. She said she would have to check me with me standing up and that was OK as far as I was concerned. I was NOT getting near that bed. Not then. I was dilated to 7cm at this point. I think that was the only cervical check I had.   I had the idea that I would try and sit on the birthing ball through some of the contractions. Apparently that was not the best idea I had all day and I knew instantly that I would find no relief there. I hit my hands and knees and spent a couple contractions there. Then, with little warning I threw up! I wasn’t expecting it, but I felt better once I had. After that I felt like I could make it to the bed. It was the farthest 3 feet I’ve ever had to walk. At some point close to this Dr. Merrill arrived.

I crawled onto the bed and remained on my hands and knees. I remember the nurses and Dr. Merrill asking me if I could turn over and all I could do was shake my head. The message I was getting from my body was “No” so that’s what I was relaying. I raised the back of the bed as high as I could and just hung from it. I remember telling Doug and Jen that I just needed a minute. The contractions were hard and fast and I was having trouble wrapping my brain around them. It was definitely getting to be too much. I remember saying “I just need a minute to rest”. I was moaning and yelling through the contractions and I needed a moment to get some quiet in my own head. (I’m sure the staff would’ve been OK with a moment of silence, too!) I remember Doug telling me how great I was doing, how beautiful I was and that we would see our baby soon. As I moaned and yelled through contractions I would hear him telling me that I was doing just what I needed to do to bring our baby out. He would tell me how much he loved me. I remember Jen’s voice, too. Reassuring and calm. As I would get to the end of a contraction and start to wonder if I could make it to the end of it her kind words of encouragement and soft touch were just what I needed. When I finally got a minute to rest between some contractions I was aware of only her and Doug’s voices and Doug’s hands. I remember Doug putting a cool towel on the small of my back and feeling like that was the most wonderful and loving thing he had ever done for me. It was the most wonderful touch I had ever felt. I looked at him and I don’t think I’ll ever forget the love I saw in his eyes.

I vaguely remember hearing Dr. Merrill ask me if I could turn over. I knew I couldn’t. I’m not sure if I ever answered him. I am grateful that I had a provider like him. I learned later that he was reigning in the nursing staff. When they were rushing and trying to get a heartbeat and trying to get the monitors on he shooed them away saying I was fine and baby was fine and waiting a few minutes wouldn’t hurt. When they were getting upset that I didn’t have an IV and wanted to at least get a hep-lock started, again, he waived them away assuring them that things were progressing fine and that it wasn’t needed. He has seen enough natural births to know when things are happening the way they are supposed to. When I finally did feel like it was time to turn over Doug said I just flipped over. He said he hadn’t seen me move that fast in weeks and I surprised everyone around me! I knew it was time to lay back and so that’s what I did. It never occurred to me that what I was doing was anything but exactly what I needed to be doing at that time. Right about this time is when I started to push. This part wasn’t very long. I grabbed onto the top of the rails of the bed and actually lifted myself to help with the pushing. I don’t know if it actually helped or not but it made sense in my head at the time. (My arms and sides hurt like hell the next day! LOL) I know there were 3 or 4 where I would push her down and as soon as I would stop she would go back up a bit before she started crowning. I think there was another 5 or 6 before I was able to get her out. Between some of the pushes I was aware of some discussion of Doug’s glove size since he wanted to help deliver our youngest daughter. Again, Dr. Merrill’s support in this was amazing. I remember snippets of conversation about what was happening and what he would be doing. I remember looking at him and feeling such joy for him. Knowing that he would be one of the first people to touch our daughter meant the world to me. It also helped to motivate me to bring her into his waiting hands. I could wait. I was fighting against the “ring of fire” (If you don’t know what it is other than a Johnny Cash song then Google it) and had all the time in the world. But how could I delay bringing our daughter into the waiting hands of my husband? Like in so many things, Doug’s smile was my motivation.

I was finally able to push her head out and then her shoulders. Dr. Merrill helped turn her for this and then let Doug take over and lift out her body. He placed her on my stomach and she was amazing! She didn’t cry. She looked at me with these bright eyes and seemed to take me in as much as I was her! Doug was there with me and the world stopped for just a moment.

At 12:41PM Georgiana Grace was born and the world was right again.

She was 9lbs 3oz and 21.5 inches long.

A few minutes later Doug cut her cord. I delivered her healthy placenta without incident. I had one small tear that Dr. Merrill said would heal on it’s own and I didn’t have any stitches. Doug eventually took her to be weighed, measured and examined. Although the nurses examined her, Dr. Merrill also made sure to do his own thorough examination of her. Within a few minutes she was nursing like a champ. Her blood sugar was very low (26. Normal is 55.) and they asked that I supplement a little formula at the same time and I agreed. They just placed a little tube in her mouth along with the breast. Jen hugged and congratulated us and left us to attend another birth.

I could not have asked for anything better than the birth that we had. While this is not the birth story I wrote in my head night after night, it is the one I will tell year after year. Georgiana made a forceful entrance but has been mostly quiet ever since. She is nursing like a champ and sleeping even better. She sleeps almost 7 hours most nights already. She is the light in everyone’s eyes and I’m afraid she’ll be spoiled beyond any hope of repair before too long.

Home Birth vs. Hospital Birth

2011-03-17T08:16:00.001-07:00

As it gets closer and closer to my due date we are starting to get things in order. At some point I have to pull out the infant clothes and wash the tiny diapers. It might be a good idea to order some more snappis, too. I’ve paid the deposit to our doula. At my next appointment my doctor wants to check my cervix for changes. Baby has dropped. Significantly.

As we are looking how quickly this is all approaching we are at a point where the “where” of the whole thing is looming before us. And honestly I’m torn. The midwife we’ve chosen is wonderful. But she lives an hour and a half away. North of Seattle, without traffic. Which is fine if I have the good sense to go into labor around midnight. But truthfully it’s not a big deal when it’s someone I trust and have faith in their experience. Not like I have a plethora of options either. I’ve talked to other midwives and while I’m sure that they’re fine, I haven’t quite gotten that “feeling” with them that I have with her. So I’m willing to accept the travel time and even the possibility of an accidental “unassisted” birth. My doula has been with laboring women almost as long as I’ve been alive so I don’t feel like I would be alone.

I have been adamant that I wanted to have this baby at home. I want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers up and snuggle my husband and our new baby and all my girls all at the same time. I want the sights/sounds/smells of my own home and relax in the familiarity of it all. I want my house and my family all together.

Or do I?

I reluctantly took the hospital tour. St. Elizabeth’s is a wonderful, brand spanking new, hospital. I’m pretty sure they’re still walking around taking that plastic film-y stuff off of the electronics. They are supportive of natural birth and have never had a ban on VBAC. My doctor lives in town. All things considered it’s really rather nice. When I was there the nurses were very sweet. I asked what the average stay was and she said “24-48 hours, depending on your doctor. I know if I had four other kids at home I’d enjoy the quiet time!”. It was cute and jovial and with no malice in it. I kind of laughed her off and thought of this blissful picture I had of us all puppy piled in my bed while my birth team puttered around the house.

But the last couple weeks have been rough. I keep hearing that nurse in my head. How nice would it be? Just a day. Maybe two. Just me and Georgiana and Doug. Other people to bring me stuff. Not feeling like I had to get up and do anything. Time to sleep and nurse and just love on my newest daughter. Let’s face it, this house and this family are my whole world. This is my stress and my joy. My accomplishments and my failures. I feel guilty for thinking that at some point my husband might have to leave his wife and daughter and come home to sleep in an empty bed. Is it fair for me to think of this as time for myself. I’m having a baby, not going to a spa. It’s a hospital not a resort.

On one hand I have my belief that I am having a baby, not sick, so I have no need to go to the hospital. I have had four children already and two VBACs I can look back and be proud of. I don’t need to go to the hospital. But am I standing on principle only in this decision? I trust my doctor to be understanding of my desires and to follow my birth plan. I don’t anticipate a fight against interventions. I trust my body to do what it is designed to do. It doesn’t matter if I am at home, in a hospital or on the moon – I am having this baby. Am I looking for a home birth to simply be able to say that I have fought the system and have done it? Malpractice and insurance policies and social conformity be damned? I just don’t know. At this point I think I’m just a crazy person and should probably be committed. (Preferably somewhere sunny, sandy and with a pretty Jose to bring me umbrella drinks.) I don’t have the traumatic c-section stories that I hear. I don’t have a panic-inducing distrust of hospitals as a whole. My c-section was 100% necessary and life saving for Allie. I don’t need to heal from that experience, like so many women I have come in contact with. My VBAC with Jane was handled horribly and dangerously but we both came out just fine. I can even put a funny spin on it when necessary. My VBAC with Fiona was awesome and empowering and while there are a couple things that weren’t “perfect” they aren’t things that I hold any real animosity because of. Could it have been easier? Absolutely. Am I scared or afraid because of what happened? No. I pushed that 9lb 7oz baby out of my vagina without drugs and with limited interventions. I did it and I have that to hold dear. I don’t live in an area where I will have to fight for every natural, intervention-free moment. I have support and love that will surround me.

Financially we will come out about the same. It’s either in cash up front to the midwife or in payments to the hospital because of our deductible. Either way the money is spent. It’s just a matter of who I write the check to.

Honestly as I write this I feel like I’m leaning more towards the hospital. That day or so break sounds good. I know what I am like and the responsibility of the house and the family weighs on me. My mom will be here to visit with the girls and help. I just don’t know. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Maternity Pictures

2011-03-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

I am just stunned by how beautiful these came out. Thank you Feather for all the hard work you've put into these. You've captured everything just beautifully!

Surprising Affirmation

2011-03-14T12:44:00.001-07:00

Doug and I went to dinner on Saturday with a friend to meet his new girlfriend. I was a little apprehensive to say the least. Here I am, 34 weeks pregnant, big as a house, and not feeling my best. All I know about this woman is basically how gorgeous she is. I know Jason’s standards, and let’s just say, Jason and I would never date. He’s a great guy, but I know I wouldn’t make the cut. Hell, I don’t know anyone that would. Knowing this is a little daunting. So I did my makeup as good as I could manage. I bought a new outfit. I had to ice my ankles to get my sausage feet into my shoes. I heaved myself into the car, took a deep breath and braced myself.

I was right about one thing. Beautiful is probably how she wakes up and then we go from there. Tall, skinny and gorgeous (even Doug noticed – and for me to see him notice means he really noticed. He did have the good sense to down-play it though). In shoes I would love if my swollen ankles could support me in them. The real kicker was how absolutely nice she was. I mean really nice. Genuinely make-your-teeth-hurt nice! We actually have the same home town and know a lot of the same places so that helped. The whole night was easy and fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve met someone who knew and understood the awesomeness that is dry cleaned jeans. (If you’ve never worn dry cleaned jeans, you’re totally missing out)

Here’s the surprising part. When talking about the girls and being home I wasn’t really self conscious about it. While being home with the girls was an easy decision it’s one that I frequently feel the need to defend. I don’t have a career. I’ve never had a career. I’ve been a wife and a mother before I graduated from high school. I’ve been married for 15 years (cumulative). While I have worked form time to time it’s not something I’ve dedicated a lot of time to. I see the detriment to it sometimes. When I know that it wouldn’t be worth it financially for me to go back to work. I watch my friends get degrees and promotions that I may never see. It can be hard. Sometimes it feels like the working world is passing me by. But I look at what I do and am proud of my children. I am proud of my family and my husband. I am proud of the part I play in helping it all run as smoothly as possible. I’m not always good at it but I do try. Lately most days are harder than I like, but I’m secure in my choice. I don’t know what it was about Saturday that clicked. I wish I could figure it out and hold onto it. Because truthfully I’m not feeling as secure today as I did then. But it was a good feeling. It was good to not feel as if I was some frumpy housewife. It was good to feel like I was actually contributing something to someone.

It’s good to have those days. And I’m glad to have had that time. To eat a good meal, to have great conversation and camaraderie and to feel like a grown up (and not just a mom) for a brief amount of time was what I needed.

My Newest Project–Part 3 of 3–Fail!

2011-02-05T09:03:00.001-08:00

Back in December I posted here and here about my hatred for my current living room furniture and my desire to do something about it. I had grand plans of recovering it in an economic yet fashionable way and making it look like a million bucks on a budget. Kind of a Bite-Me-Martha thing.

Yeah, well… so much for that.

I got the chair cushions done. Twice. After an accident with a sippy cup and some red soda it needed to be done again. Then I got the sofa cushions totally done. I got most of the ottoman cover done (Still working on that due to a slight “design flaw”.) And that’s about where the project stopped. The thought of tearing apart the couch was daunting. I wanted to do it. I know that with a little bit of help and some time I could do it. But having the help and the confidence is where I fell short. Damn it.

I was recently told that I “get really excited about stuff and then it just fades away”. This was not done as constructive criticism but pointed out as a glaring character flaw. This is something that really hurt my feelings and stuck with me. It made it difficult when faced with what to do with the couch when I realized that I had bitten more than I could currently chew.

Admitting defeat is not something I do well. I will say that I do tend to take on a lot at one time. Projects, commitments, just general to-do crap. Admitting when maybe that list has gotten to be more than I can handle is not something that I’m good at. I am controlling. I am demanding. I know that. I think it comes from growing up and having almost no control over the chaos in my life. Or not knowing how to control it. And then moving into adulthood and a marriage that was equally beyond my control. So here I am, at 34, a self-proclaimed Control Freak. It would be in good taste to say that I’m working on it, but let’s be realistic – I’m not. Nor do I really have any intention of it. Isn’t admitting you have a problem the first step? Screw the other steps, I’ve got too much else to do.

So, to come back from Tangent Land…

The living room furniture will not be recovered in some uber-snazzy, look-how-crafty way. Thank you to Target clearance and Overstock.com I purchased two slipcovers. The couch now looks fantastic! The slipcover actually solved one of my biggest pet peeves about the couch. Because the seat cushions are not connected to the couch in any way they are constantly needing readjusting. Something that seems beyond the ability of my children/husband to see or fix (how you don’t notice you’re sitting on a cushion that is hanging off the furniture by 3 inches is beyond me). The slip cover holds them nicely in place and only requires a daily re-tuck! *insert angels singing here* In about 2 minutes I took my icky couch and made it into something that I could really love. Why the hell didn’t I do this months ago? Oh, that whole control thing. Right. The cover for the chair will be here on Thursday.

I will be posting pictures once everything is here and together. We’re working on re-doing the floors, too. But, that’s another post all it’s own.

A Sense of Community

2011-01-16T08:02:00.001-08:00

Last spring, after the end of a disastrous relationship with a Mom’s Group, I decided to start my own. However, instead of starting another Mom’s group I wanted something that was more than the last. I wanted something that celebrated not only what was great about being a mother, but also what was great about being a woman.

Growing up we are somehow taught to believe that other girls are competition. We are competing to see who’s thinner, who’s prettier, more popular and who can get the boys. As adults a lot of that doesn’t go away. We push to be “just as good” in our chosen industry. We may have our best friends but keep others at arm’s length. Again we are competing to see who’s thinner, more popular and who can get the men.

You would think that as we become wives and mothers that some of this goes away. And some of it does. But after years of feeling like other women are somehow not to be trusted or are somehow superior to you in one way or another it becomes a chore to “keep up”. Once you can realize that isn’t the way it has to or should be it’s amazing the difference it makes.

I started the group as somewhere for this great group of women that I had become real friends with to meet and band together. I wanted it to be somewhere that could be safe with other women and we could find the support that we need. Being a woman is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being a mother is hard. We need the support of other women to tell us that we’re doing OK. Some people have their mother’s that they can turn to and cry when it all gets to be too much. Not everyone does. And, quite frankly, sometimes you mother is the problem. I wanted there to be safety in numbers and for us to have place where we didn’t have to feel alone.

When I first started Ridge and Valley Women there were only a few of us. A few that understood that a Girls Night Out didn’t necessarily mean heels and make up. Sometimes it meant showing up in your sweats and crying in your margarita because that-fucking-asshole-can’-t-give-me-ten-minutes-to-take-a-shower-and-god-forbid-he-actually-has-to-watch-his-own-children-and-as-matter-of-fact-I-don’t-know-when-I’ll-be-home! Sometimes it’s getting the kids together to play, or having someone show you how to do that awesome craft/recipe/budget/hair-thing that you’re soooo jealous of. It’s having someone to go to when you need help. And when you don’t.

I realized that I had stumbled into something really great when a couple weeks ago one of the gals was having some issues in her pregnancy and her doctor put her on bed rest. I remember being upset and struggling with what to do/say because I’d been there and it sucks. And I’ve been there having little kids and that really sucks. Then one of the other women jumped in and came to the rescue. We got an email saying “hey, we need to help here, she needs us”. So we did. We’ve cooked, we’ve stopped by to tire out a 20 month old, stir-crazy, toddler. We’ve offered comfort and just someone to talk to. I think that this is what my grandmother was talking about when she talked about “fellowship”. I know this is what the pastor at church was talking about when he talked about “grace”.

It feels good to be a part of something so awesome. To be associated with a group of women who so quickly and so generously come together with their time, their resources and their hearts. This is what we need to teach our daughters.

Thank you ladies for being the wonderful women that you are. Thank you for showing that THIS is what having girlfriends should really be all about.

Hey guess what… I’m PREGNANT!

2011-01-01T09:50:00.001-08:00

Well, d’uh! Right? Well, apparently I’m a little slow. I know I’m pregnant. I’ve known for about 20 weeks that I’m pregnant. But it really just hit me in the last couple days.
Ok that sounds stupid, too. I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to not sound like a total moron but get my point across.
I’ve been wearing mostly maternity clothes for the last 16 weeks. My belly is expanding. I haven’t had a period since about June. I’ve had the ultrasounds and heard the heartbeat. We’ve named this little person I’m building and talk about her like she’s a relative coming to visit (“When Georgi gets here…”). I go to the doctor and I’m gaining weight. Doug lays his hand on my belly to feel her kick. I can’t remember the last time I was actually able to see my vagina! All of this and there just seems to be this disconnect between planning for a baby while caring for a large family like ours and having the complete realization that holy hell, I’m pregnant! And the ridiculous thing that did it? This picture…

No kidding. That was it.
I’ve seen pictures of myself recently where I look very obviously pregnant. But there was just something about this one that just flipped the switch for me. And the picture isn’t even really of me. It’s just a picture I’m in. This is cropped with 90% of the picture cut out. Still, sometimes there’s just something that makes it really, really, really REAL. I don’t know how else to explain it. I think if you’ve had kids before you understand. Otherwise, this is the best I can do.
I know, I’m a dork.
So we are down to about 16 weeks or so left. There’s still a lot to get ready for but we’re on the right track. I just hit a great Going Out of Business sale and got pretty much all of the clothes Miss Georgiana is going to need until she’s about 6 months old. I think I’ve picked out the double stroller I want and the co-sleeper I like. I’m working on sewing/designing a diaper bag.
Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself and the ridiculousness that goes on in your head. At least I do. A lot. And most of the time I subject you nice people to this craziness, too. It’s an odd place in here, but I’m glad I’ve got good company.
OK, now I’m hungry and I have to pee. Again. I am, after all, pregnant.

Pass the Chocolate Please

2010-12-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

Gina over at The Feminist Breeder posted yesterday about body image, the holidays and pregnancy. While I wouldn't normally post about a post, this one really resonated with me. Her suggestion to really speak not to what we hate about our bodies, but what we love. I thought that this was a good topic. This is something we all struggle with it. I don't claim to have any solutions, but sometimes just knowing that this sucks for someone else helps.
This pregnancy has been hard for me when it comes to my body image. After gaining 70lbs with Fiona and then loosing about 60 of it, I was finally starting to almost feel human again. Then, there I was, staring at a second pink line and trying not to throw up. It didn't help that just a few short weeks into my pregnancy nothing was fitting again. How do you look ahead at the next 32 weeks knowing that you're just going to get BIGGER? I saw that scale that had a number over 200 when I was in my final week of Fiona's pregnancy and vowed that was NOT going to happen again. How do you come to terms with a changing body that is doing something so wonderful and hate what you see?
Anyone that's had children knows that in those weeks where your shape first starts to change are hard. You don't look pregnant. It looks like maybe you need to dial back the cheeseburgers a little. It's the period day when all you can wear is sweats - except it doesn't go away. At 8 weeks I started putting away my "regular" clothes and pulled out my maternity gear again. And not happy about it.
I think I've been really lucky this time. I've gained 9lbs in the last 13 weeks (my first to most recent OB appointments). I've gained 13 from my last PAP in April until my most recent OB appointment at 22 weeks. Right now, I am pretty much all baby. But like Gina said, it's hard to not believe you look like a land whale when you feel like a land whale. Little Miss Georgiana is sitting so low in my hips that I sometimes have trouble walking. My hips hurt. I can barely put my shoes on. Dropping something usually elicits some swearing.
But there are the better days. There are the days when I can look at my swollen pregnant belly and feel down right sexy. It's not something that happens often, but it does happen. Here I am with this swollen, pregnant belly and full, round breasts. It doesn't get more feminine than that. My body is doing what it was designed to do and this is how it looks doing it. And for a brief shining moment I can celebrate that. Doug has even, in a moment of uncharacteristic complementing, said "girls are supposed to look like that. You're making my baby." How do you not feel like a goddess at that point?
I love the times that I can celebrate my changing shape. Because of how I'm carrying this little one maternity jeans are uncomfortable. They are tight around the bottom of my belly and make it even harder to move than it normally is. So, I've decided that since I don't have a dress code I'll be living in yoga pants for the remainder of my pregnancy. That way when I'm not quite in my pre-pregnancy jeans yet and need some comfy pants to chase a toddler while nursing a newborn I'm already set. The best part of this is that I feel like I have been able to accentuate this ever growing belly. I love my fitted maternity (and non-maternity) tees. I've gained a pretty good size in my breasts, too so I'm feeling kinda rock-star. A knocked up rock-star, but still.
I will say, thank you Gina. For reminding me that looking like this is beautiful in its own right and we all need to feel like a rock star sometimes. Knocked up or otherwise.

My Newest Project - Part 2 of...

2010-12-24T06:55:00.000-08:00

Part 1 was getting a little long, so I thought I'd break it up a bit.
I did get started right away yesterday. I'm struggling to not drop everything for the next week and finish it. So I'm going as I can. Hopefully it doesn't take too long. I did warn Doug that our living room is going to be in a state of half-mess until I get this done. He said he's fine with it. (Can anyone find me the process for declaring someone a living saint please?)
So I didn't have the sense to start taking pictures before I started tearing things apart. Oh well.
I figured I would start on the chair first. It's a little easier - read smaller - than the couch, but will give me more impact than the ottoman. I removed the cover from the back cushion and pulled the seams apart. I wanted to use it for a basic pattern and to make sure I got the size of everything right. Then I ironed the pieces and cut the fabric. Putting in the pleats was challenging. But, when you're trying to put 12 layers of fabric through a home sewing machine, your bound to find some problems. I was able to salvage the zippers that were already there. Which is great, and something I didn't think to do when I was planning all this. But, they're the right size and are actually pretty easy to work with, plus they're FREE! I was really happy with how the back cushion came out. The pleats don't match up perfectly on one of the corners, but it's really not something you can tell. I think I need to add some more batting to it.
The T cushion was a little harder. Getting the cover off to make the pattern was a pain in the ass! Those things are on there SNUG! But after some cussing and pulling I was able to get it off. The T cushion was a little more difficult to sew. The rounded edges in a box shape is complicated. But I made it work. I came into a little bit of an issue at the end when I was trying to finish off the zipper. It just wasn't matching up right. So I put the cover on the cushion - it looks awesome - and figured out what the issue was. When you're cutting pattern pieces from an old cushion there are a couple things to keep in mind. The pattern is not exact like from the factory. I cut a little wide to give myself some bigger seams. Also, I was patterning from a piece of material that was not in the best of conditions. It was frayed, worn and stretched out. So, I'll be closing up the final hem by hand. I think it made putting it on a little easier so I'm not going to complain. It's the back of the cushion anyway so no one will ever see it.
So, here is what I have finished so far. It took about 6 hours. I wanted to start pulling the couch cushions apart to be ready to start today but my right hand was hurting too much to mess with the scissors (I have arthritis in that hand and pregnancy induced carpal tunnel - whee.) Let me know what you think!

You can see the sorry state of the rest of the chair. The shape is good, but there is no amount of cleaning that will help that.

Here's the sorry looking couch in it's full "Before" glory. This is generally what my couch looks like. Now you know what I'm dealing with.

So that's it folks. I'll be updating and uploading more pictures as I go along. Hopefully it doesn't take too long. I would like this done before the baby comes. (That was totally sarcastic, I swear)

My Newest Project - Part 1 of...

2010-12-24T06:26:00.000-08:00

I hate my couch. There, I said it.
Let me clarify a bit. I hate the state of my couch. It's dirty. It's fraying at the edges. The couch itself is great. We were given the set - couch, chair and ottoman - by some friends when they got a new couch. I thought then that I could "easily reupholster" it. Not one of my brighter thoughts I know. If my mom and my aunt can spend a drunken weekend reupholstering a couch and have it turn out great I can do it, too. Right?
I have been hit with an urge to nest lately that would send even the most non-OCD person into a tizzy. So I look around my house and see all the things that need to be done. Plus, we are trying really hard to move to another state and transfer Doug's job (more on that in another post I'm sure). That has me in a moving mindset. Not a good place for a nesting preggo to be. All I can do is look around and see the things that need to be organized, donated, updated or cleaned. The fact that I'm not on anything stronger than Welbutrin is a miracle.
So the couch has been taunting me. There's only so much I can do with it. I can't scrub it. I could but it wouldn't do much could. Who is the dumbass that makes white couches anyway? We talked about getting new couches and realized that it just wasn't practical. We could spend $500 and go to the cheap furniture stores and get something that looks nice, but won't last but a couple of years. We have four full size people, soon to have two little kids, two dogs and two cats. Our furniture receives a pretty good beating. We could go to somewhere like Thomasville or Broyhill and spend $2000 plus on a good set of furniture and hope to get eight years out of it. Quite honestly, the thought of spending $2000 on anything right now is not something I'm interested in. And I do like our couches. I like the shapes, I like the style. They're deep enough to be comfortable for my long-legged husband. They're comfy. They're long enough that Doug can actually lay down on them and not be uncomfortable. Plus, if you take the back cushions off they're perfect for us to lay together and watch a movie, or for someone to sleep on if we have a surprise overnight guest. OK, like that last one ever happens, but it could. So, to my frugal way of thinking, why get rid of a perfectly good couch when I can just recover it?
Is it going to look new? Probably not. Showroom quality? No friggin' way. But it's something that will work for our family and not cost a ton of money. So I made the decision to reupholster it and started the research. If you know me you know that I've spent HOURS on the internet reading and shopping and soaking up everything I could possibly find out about reupholstering furniture. I thought about just making a slipcover and realized that it'd probably be less work just to actually cover the whole thing - so scrap that idea. Then I started researching fabric and pricing the stuff. Holy tapestry, Batman! That stuff is expensive. I'm looking at roughly 20 - 25 yards of fabric. Good upholstery fabric can run anywhere from about $10 a yard UP! WAY UP. Like $30+ a yard up. Screw a bunch of that! So I started to look at how to bring down the cost without sacrificing the quality.
Insert trumpets here...Coupons! D'uh. Did you really think I'd get into this project without coupons? JoAnn's fabric runs 50% off coupons pretty frequently. And the cotton duck fabric is usually about $10 a yard - so really $5 a yard. That I can handle. I found a good spot in the budget to pull the money out of and yesterday headed off to the fabric store. Now, I had a basic idea in mind. I wanted a chocolate brown for the couch itself. Then something in a blue to go with the beach-y theme that I'm trying to pull off in my living room. I didn't have anything really set in stone, but I know what I like and I'm pretty good putting colors together so off I went. I ended up with 10 yards of a chocolate brown duck for the couch, and 5 yards of steel blue for the chair. I bought a big floral blue/tan swirly thing for the ottoman. Of course, sometime over the course of the project I decided to use the floral that I bought for the ottoman for the cushions on the sofa. It all pulls together nicely.
We'll see what the finished product look like! Lots of pictures to come.

If I Fell In Love With You...

2010-12-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

Last weekend Doug and I had the rare chance for a weekend alone together. It was fantastic! As one of the most gag-inducing things I've probably ever said... I got the chance to fall in love with my husband all over again.
When you have 4.5 kids and a full time job and a house to run and a family to take care of it's a flippin' miracle I ever got pregnant in the first place. "Time together" is that time of night between when the last kid finally goes to sleep and when I fall asleep watching whatever show we happen to have on. This was some much needed, real time together.
When Doug and I first started dating in 2006, and I'm talking like 3 weeks in, he took me to Orcas Island for the weekend just a few days before Christmas. We both will agree that is where we fell in love for the first time. It was a beautiful place and the best thing that could've happened. Doug says it was all in his Master Plan. Take me to a seasonally deserted island where I couldn't get away while he convinced me he was the best thing that could happen to me. Well, obviously it worked. Here we are four years and almost five Christmases later.
Because of all the traveling Doug does for work he earned a free night at a Best Western hotel that expired on December 24. When I realized there was one on San Juan Island and we could have a little bit of that "island magic" back I jumped on it.
We both felt lighter just leaving the house. Doug actually forwarded all of his calls and emails to someone else! Really? You mean no constant beeps from emails of questions that really need to wait until Monday? No phone calls because someone was just being stupid? Really really? Awesome!
For a couple days we actually laughed together again. We joked and flirted with each other. I got to see a real, light-from-within, smile from my husband. For two solid days I got MY Doug back. We went to an expensive dinner and had delicious food. We actually got dressed up like grown-ups. I put on a dress and heels! I could see some of the stress just roll off of Doug. I'm sure he could see the same with me.
I didn't yell at kids, or obsess over what needed to be cleaned/organized/sorted/fixed. I did not check on the kids at all! I left the girls in the very capable hands of my mother-in-law. She raised three kids of her own, she can handle three of mine for a night. OK, so I did leave three pages of "instructions" for the girls and threatened penalty of permanent grounding to the first child to so much as call me for anything less than imminent death. But hey, when you have kids certain concessions need to be made when you are away.
By Sunday afternoon we were ready to be home. Not that a winter holiday spent on a beach somewhere wouldn't be welcome, but it was time to go back to reality.
It was a beautiful time away and a fantastic reminder of how we got here in the first place.
I love you, Doug. For all of my tomorrows.

Even When You Love Them, They Make You Nuts

2010-12-16T10:59:00.000-08:00

If at some point in your parenting "career" you have not wanted to stick your children in the crawl space under the house and forget about them either a) you haven't been doing it long enough or b) you're a fucking liar.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE being a mom. I LOVE my children. I also have a very limited amount of patience in my head.
And I would LOVE a margarita the size of a fish tank.
Having children of any age comes with it's own unique challenges. Span those ages from still-gestating to ready-to-drive and what you end up with is a mom that should probably be committed.
SO HELP ME ONE MORE PERSON ANSWERS A QUESTION WITH "I DON'T KNOW" OR "I FORGOT" SOMEONE IS GONNA DIE!
I love my children. Love. LOVE. L.O.V.E. my children. They are the light in my life and I would be empty without them. However, a small vacation from them would be a welcome respite.
There seems to be some kind of rotation going on that we have not yet been able to put our fingers on. (Thankfully) They don't all go wonky at the same time. But, this also means that there seems to always be one of them doing something that is just flat stupid! So, by definition, there is never a time when all of them are just fine. I don't know if this is purely a numbers thing because there are so many of them that statistically there will always be one of them in trouble. That seems likely. But it also seems like at any given time there should be some kind of calm.
A couple of weeks ago a good friend said "you know who I never hear about...". Way to jinx it! Gee thanks. I've now spent the last couple weeks wondering if I've started speaking a totally different language or if this previously well behaved child has LOST HER DAMN MIND!
Seriously it's not that bad. Not in the grand scheme of things. But a splinter under your nail isn't really that bad compared to a broken leg either. I think part of my current frustration is that I thought that they were finally all on the same page. I'm pretty sure I got a solid 24 hours of everyone playing nice together and actually listening to me. Now the smallest request is met with a complete inability to follow the simplest instructions. "Go shut the doors in the hall and then come back". Five minutes later I'm looking for the child. "Where did you go, I asked you to come back?". "oh, I forgot". Forgot? In the time it takes to walk down the hallway you FORGOT to come back?
This all sounds stupid even to me. If you're a parent you get it. Or you will.
Allie and Jane were supposed to fly out to their dad's last night. Because of a stupid mistake on his part they didn't. I almost cried. Not because of the stress of the situation, but because they weren't LEAVING. I was going to have almost 3 whole weeks with 2 less children. I needed this break. I needed the time slightly off, because I am slightly off. I've come to depend on these times when they go to visit their dad. It's a luxury that not all parents get. That much needed break. When you're ready to run away from home your house is slightly quieter for a week or two. Having that delayed was harder to deal with than the rearranging of travel that we had to do. I don't ever want my children to not live with me. But, since I can't go on vacation every 6 months or so, it's great that they can. I know that they need this break as much as I do. I know I'm making them as crazy as they are making me.
I asked Doug last night - "What are we going to do when Fiona and Georgi are 11 and 13 and I just need a break?" He said "Easy, we send them to visit their sisters!" That's why I married him, he's always thinking!
Have I mentioned how much I love my children?

I've Reached a Parenting Milestone

2010-12-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Today my oldest daughter turns 16.
If you've ever had a teenage daughter, been around a teenage daughter or even heard of a teenage daughter, you realize the fact that she is not being forced to live in a little box shoved into the crawl space under the house with nothing more than a hamster-type water bottle and whatever food she can convince her sisters to bring her is a freaking MIRACLE.
Krystyne was born on December 11, 1994 at Loma Linda Medical Center in Loma Linda, CA just after midnight. I was 17 years old.
I went into labor at only 30 weeks pregnant. I was kept at the hospital for a couple days and then sent home with some medication that I had to take every four hours and strict bed rest instructions. I even had a nurse that came in and checked on me every couple of days. After about a week and a half I went to my doctor's appointment for a routine visit. After a cervical check he informed me that I was still dilating and that I needed to immediately go to the hospital and he would call L&D so they would be expecting me. This was just a couple days before Thanksgiving. That year I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital. I spent almost two and a half weeks in the hospital on bed rest. I was allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and every other day to shower. I read, I did homework and word search puzzles and watched a lot of TV. ER started that year. I spent a couple hours a day hooked up to a monitor for contractions.
Early in the afternoon on December 10th my contractions started and didn't seem to want to settle down. By 7 o'clock the decision had been made that it looked like there wasn't much more they could do and I would be delivering soon. I remember the contractions were starting to get painful. I remember being terrified because I didn't really understand what was happening. I did remember that my mother had always told me that labor was the most painful thing that I would ever endure, but that it was necessary to have a baby (I'm glad I later learned that, at least for me, this is not the case). My body was working against me and I was loosing control. I called my mom and a good friend to come and be with me. I couldn't do this alone. I talked on the phone with my Aunt Tina through the contractions until they took me to L&D around 8 o'clock.
I had a great nurse who promised me he would do everything he could to get the anesthesiologist as quickly as he could. My heplock was flushed, an IV started and the monitors set up. I remember I almost cried when the anesthesiologist made it in and started my epidural. I finally had some relief from the child that was trying to rip itself from my body. I could rest and relax. I was contracting, but could only see them on the monitor. I couldn't move my legs. The nurse told me to let him know when I needed to push. I told him I didn't know how I would know when that was. He said "oh, you'll know. It'll feel like you need to poop". Oh great. He was right.
I don't know how long I pushed for. I know I pushed when they told me to. I remember having to tell my mom to please stop crying and count. I yelled at the doctor for hurting me when he was trying to stretch me and not give me an epsiotomy and help me not tear.
Immediately after she was born they took her to the isolet to check her apgar and breathing. She was six weeks early and they needed to make sure that everything was working the way it was supposed to.
She weighed 5lbs 2oz.
I don't remember getting to hold her because the NICU team that I had with me wanted to take her right away. I remember getting to see her wrapped in her little blanket on a warming pad. I was told I could sleep and go see her later. And that's what I did.
I spent two or so more days in the hospital. Krystyne spent 11. I spent 18 hours a day with her. She came home on December 22, 1994.
In the last 16 years I have made good decisions and bad decisions. Sometimes it's hard to tell which is which. Some days they're the same decision.
Happy birthday baby girl. May you make better choices than I did. May all of your dreams and desires come true. You were a beautiful baby and have grown into a beautiful young woman. I love you with all my heart.
Please, don't make me kill you, this has been a lot of work!

It's a girl...

2010-12-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while. I just hit a rough patch. I've actually been rough-drafting in my head the last few days and trying to carve out a moment to get it out. I feel like it's been all Doom and Gloom around here lately and not nearly enough positive stuff. That's what I was working on. I swear.
This is not that post. I don't think it's all Doom and Gloom but I won't be blowing little bits of sunshine up your ass either.
I had my 20 week ultrasound today. And yes, it's a girl.
Damn it.
I cried. OK truthfully, I bawled. I managed to wait until the tech got out of the room before I actually sobbed. My husband is grinning like an 8 year old with a double-scoop ice cream cone and all I can do is put my head in my hands and cry. Don't get me wrong - I am happy to be having a baby at all. I am blessed to be having my 5th baby! But my dreams of having a son have just vanished.
I think most women want a little girl to do girlie stuff with. I've always wanted boys. I don't know why, but since I was a little girl I remember wanting boys. I think it stems from a childhood of feeling trapped in frilly dresses for every fricken holiday and not being able to run and play. Meanwhile, my cousin was free to run amok and get dirty. It wasn't "lady-like". I couldn't get dirt on my dress. I couldn't snag my tights or scuff my shoes. You can't go on the monkey bars in a dress. I wanted to BE a boy so I thought the next best thing would be to have boys of my own. Then I became a teenager and decided I never wanted to go through that.
I guess God has a sense of humor after all. More than just the platypus, I have five daughters. Very. Fricken. Funny.
I feel like such a horrible person. Instead of excited for the possibilities I'm trying to find acceptance. Honestly there's a lot of joy that just got sucked out of this pregnancy for me. I know it will pass, but right now it's not fun anymore. I don't know if I just pinned all my hopes on the possibility of a boy. I sure wasn't expecting this kind of reaction. I'm sick to death of pink and dresses and little tights and shoes with sparkles. I have no interest in hair bows or tutus. The thought of buying one more doll makes me want to hurl. Yes, Fiona loves trucks and blocks and climbing on things. She loves to kick the ball and run as fast as she can and jump around. Still, not the same.
I will never know that special relationship that a mother has with her son. It is something so different from what I have with the girls.
Maybe part of my disappointment comes from the turmoil between Krystyne and I. She's almost 16 and I swear I will happily sell her to the first band of Gypsies I can find. Going through this not three but FOUR more times seem s like more than I can take. I'm not superwoman, I only wear that outfit on special occasions. (wink)
I am raising tomorrow's women. I am teaching our future mothers and wives. What I teach my girls about being a woman and my thoughts on women's issues matter times five! One of my biggest thoughts in my decision to leave my first husband was that I didn't have the marriage I wanted for my daughters. I didn't want them treated the way I was treated. I didn't want them to be the kind of wife and mother I was. It's a lot of fucking pressure and I was really hoping that someone else could take on some of that just for a little while.
I feel like I have cried all that I can cry but I know there's more in there.
I have apologized to my husband repeatedly. I don't want to suck the fun out of this for him, too. He is over the moon about our baby and the sex of that baby isn't important. I am blessed beyond belief to have a husband like I do. We are so in love it's a little nauseating. Even to me. This baby was conceived in love and because of love. (see what I mean, I think I just gagged a little) A healthy baby is the best thing that I can ask for.
I don't want my youngest daughter to ever feel as if she was not wanted with all my heart. I promise you my little one, you are. You are not even born and we love you already. To see your little heart beat today made mine stop. You'll learn soon enough you're Mama is a crazy person. Sorry for that.

A New Schedule

2010-10-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

We apparently have a new schedule in our house.
Miss Fiona is very much her Papa's girl. She wants to stay up late and sleep later. Since she was very small trying to put her down for the night before 10 was almost impossible. We tried everything, and every night we would spend however much time between the time we decided to put her to bed and roughly 10 o'clock with fussing and crying and the in-and-out that comes with a baby that is not ready for bed. Like any self-respecting parent with a willful child that refuses to sleep, we gave up. Fine. Bed time is no earlier than 9 - 9:30. We were rewarded with a child that would happily sleep 12 hours. This left me to my own devices in the mornings. I could get the older kids out, have some computer time, and get some work done! All before my littlest angel decided to grace the day with her presence sometime around 10.
With our increasingly busy activity schedule we (and by we I mean me) decided that maybe it might be a good idea for her to start waking up a little earlier. While I'm not looking for a wide awake toddler at 6, 8 wouldn't be so bad. We might actually make a play-date somewhere close to on time. I might actually get a little snuggle time with my husband in the evening that isn't immediately followed by unconsciousness.
Changing her schedule was surprisingly easy! I started on Monday, waking her up at 8 to see how it'd go. She did really good. Tuesday she was up on her own at 8. Wednesday we were up much earlier because of an appointment. She's napping fine, she's going to bed about an hour or so earlier now! There's peace in the house at night!
Last night, just before 9, I heard her in her bedroom and went to go check on her. She was standing on her tippy-toes, holding her baby doll over her head trying to get it into her crib. She caught me peeking and said "nigh'-nigh' Mama". Well OK! Apparently it's bed time. So I scooped her up, and put her in her crib. She looked at me and said "how about a baba?" No problem! I gave her kisses, tucked her in and then sent her Papa in with the requested baba. We didn't hear a peep out of her for the last 11 hours! I can hear her in there now just chatting away.
We are making progress.
My next trick? Trying to get her into a toddler bed. Something tells me this won't be so easy!

I don't even know where to begin...

2010-10-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

My heart is absolutely breaking.
I came home yesterday from running errands to find Freddy laying on the landing and unable to get up. My heart broke instantly.
Kraig and I got Freddy in late February of 2002. He was 8 weeks old and weighed 15lbs. Here we are almost 9 years later and he weighs 130lbs. He should have been bigger. He's a Great Dane/Golden Retriever mix. It was the first time I had ever had a dog of my own. Anyone that says you can't buy love has never bought a puppy. He gained a pound a day for the first month and then about a pound a week after that. You do the math. For nine years Freddy and I have been more than best friends. When I left Kraig in January 2006 it was just as hard for me to leave Freddy with him as it was for me to leave the girls. When Doug and I discussed moving in together 18 months later I had to have my dog with me. Just like the girls, Freddy was part of the package.
If anyone asks, I wouldn't call him a "big" dog. I know he's a big dog but to me he's still that fuzzy little puppy that went ass over elbows down the stairs because he wasn't coordinated enough. I'm used to him. The normal response when people first meet Fred is "holy shit he's HUGE!". Yeah, well I guess he is. He's still my lap dog. He only takes up most of the couch. A big dog would take up all of the couch. I don't realize how big he is until I take him out of the house. Which, these days, is not that often.
I got home yesterday and he couldn't get up. After picking up the million pieces of my heart I called Bill. Fred lived with Bill for almost a year when I was in an apartment and couldn't afford the $500 deposit that was needed to have him with me. Bill is Freddy's "Foster Dad" and as much of a part of Freddy's family as anyone. Without hesitation he headed over. I don't want to know what kind of traffic laws he broke getting here as fast as he did. I'm just glad he did. It took Bill and a neighbor (thank you, too) to get him into the van. I did have to take the seats out so he would fit.
After an exam and X rays the vet came in and gave us the news. There wasn't really good news/bad news. It all pretty much sucked ass.
She had no real idea what was going on with him. The x-rays showed us what it isn't. It's not a fracture. It's not cancer. It doesn't look like a bulging disc. Based on the manual exam of his leg and the fact that he wasn't bearing any weight and that he wasn't "righting" it when she tucked it under she's guessing an ACL (anterior cruciate ligament - stabilizing ligament of the knee) tear. He can have surgery to repair it. Even surgery will not make him 100% better. He's 9 years old. He's a BIG dog. Life expectancy for him is 9, maybe 10 years - do the math. He has bad hip dysplasia on his right side (at this time that's the "good" leg). He has arthritis. He's as healthy as a dog his age/size can be expected to be. But he's old. And he's big. Surgery will change his pain. He will never be pain free. To not do surgery means that the bones will create arthritic type fibers that will help to stabilize the knee. He will end up bearing more weight on the right side with the dysplastic hip. It's a matter of time before either the hip gives out or the ACL in the other knee gives out from the strain.
We could do an MRI to find out if it was something else - nerve damage maybe. The x-rays cost me $350 - what the hell is an MRI supposed to cost? And really, even if we called in Dr House, what real difference would it make? He's an old dog. How long and what quality of life are we going to give him?
When the vet left I did the translation. We're managing his pain. We're putting him on "comfort measures". At this point it's just a matter of trying to make him as comfortable and happy as possible for as long as possible. It could be another week before we have to realize that he's just not going to get better. It could be a month or two before we have to acknowledge that he's getting worse.
I've watched him lately get slower. I've watched him stumble when he gets on the couch or tries to go up the stairs too fast. I've seen him not be able to get his balance when trying to go from lying to standing. I know that he can no longer get up on my bed. He struggled the last time I tried to get him in the van. When Allie wanted to take him for a walk he only went a block before he sat down and wanted to go home. I've filed this all away to the place where we know things but don't want to acknowledge them. I know that he's old. I know that he's not going to live forever. I know that he's starting to falter. This is the first time I've been forced to face it. Not only face it but face the possibility that I am going to have to soon make the decision whether or not we need to put him to sleep.
I look at him now and you can't tell that he's old. While he's outside sitting in the sun with his nose and ears perked up to what's going on around him you can see the light in his eyes. When he rolls over for a belly rub and speaks his "Freddy Speak" and grumbles, you can see how happy he is.
When he whimpers and whines because he can't stand up and he has to go potty your heart just breaks.
There is a part of me that just wants to call the vet and take him in. While he is in pain, he's happy. He's loved. He loves. He's hurt but he's not suffering. Why should I wait until he's suffering?
There is the rest of me that has loved this dog for 9 years. That has held him and cried because I was upset. He has laid in my bed when I don't feel good. He puts his head in my lap when I just need something. He's goofy and just dumb as a dog can be sometimes. He's convinced that a 12" board will keep him out of any room. Hell, a well placed chair will keep him out of any room. He lays under the kitchen table when we eat. He sits at Fiona's feet in her high chair - just in case. And she frequently rewards him. How can I make the decision to take his life away, no matter how little is left?
How do I explain to the girls. This will be their first brush with anything like it. How do I tell my girls that their dog is going to die? And probably soon? And that I have to be the one to make the decision? HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS???
I can't stop crying. I can't remember the last time that I cried like this. I can't remember the last time I cried this hard. I can't breathe. I can't hardly see. My face is swollen and I look like Eric Stoltz in Mask. Maybe not that bad, but close.
He's a good dog. He's a happy dog. He's a very, very loved dog. He's MY dog.
I love you Freddy. No matter what. I love you.

Overcoming The Fear

2010-09-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling with overcoming The Fear. In this instance The Fear comes in the shape of What If of a home birth.
I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday. Now, understand that I think I have found what I consider to be the best doctor ever. I heart him. He's been really great about everything we've seen him for. He's been great with Fiona and telling me " You've done this before, you know what you're doing". He was supportive and empathetic when I miscarried earlier this year. He sees no reason I shouldn't be able to have a 3VBAC with this pregnancy. The mention of home birth and he runs down the risks of rupture and better to be at the hospital and blah blah blah. It's to be expected. Honestly I'm not upset with him. It's his job. It's what he's been doing for more years than I've been alive. What I was not expecting was my reaction.
What if he's right? It's The Fear. The fear of the Unknown. The Uncontrollable. Fuck.
Here's the thing - I know better. I KNOW better. I know what the risks are. From the most recent published studies. I know what the latest ACOG recommendations are for VBAC and VBAMC. I know that I can do this. I have done it. I know that my body has the ability. I know it. But what if something goes wrong? Will I know that? Just In Case is the reason I went to the hospital with Fiona. I wasn't feeling right and I went in Just In Case. I have no regrets about my birth experience with her, but there are things I didn't like. They were hospital policy things that I couldn't control. That in itself I didn't like. I had to explain my allergy to adhesives because of the hep-lock. I couldn't squat to push (and I firmly believe that she would've been born faster had I been allowed to squat, but it wasn't a convenient position for the doctor). I had to pee in front of strangers. I had to beg to go home. Those things I didn't like.
I labored for 5 hours in that hospital from the time my water was broken until that 9lb 7oz baby made her entrance into the world. It was the most amazing, most powerful thing I have ever done. It is not this pregnancy that I look forward to but the upcoming birth. I want to feel like that again.
But what if something goes wrong? Something that we can't handle at home? I know that very few things that do happen are instant. And the ones that do it doesn't matter where you are. I know that an experienced midwife can say "OK, it's time we get some help" long before it gets to critical. I know the risks are minimal. Almost non-existent. Almost.
But how to get over The Fear? How do I get past it? And where the hell was this last time? This is mind crippling. This has given me an understanding for those that are scheduling c-sections despite the risks and despite the research.
The fear has power that I don't know how to shake. I want a natural birth. I want drug-free, intervention-free, come-when-you're-ready-baby birth. I don't want to be stuck with needles, strapped to machines, told how and when to push (trust me, they don't need to tell you that) and have someone's hand somewhere it very much does not belong! I want the sounds of my house, not the beep of machines. I want my husband's hands to be the hands that first touch our baby (this is his main reason for wanting a home birth - I can't make this shit up, ladies, I'm not that witty). I want to not be afraid of what could happen if we aren't in the hospital.
I've seen your little heart beat, I've seen your hands move and the outline of your little body. I know that my body is that which nurtures you and protects you and gives you life - how can I risk that?
How can I get past The Fear and have faith in my body when it's never betrayed me before?

I Heart Canada (and Denmark, India, Poland, Ghana and Russia)

2010-09-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

OK, so when I started this blog I did it as a way to keep friends and family updated with my pregnancy. Since then it's evolved a bit into something else. It's a sneak peak into my random thoughts and world. It's become a sounding board as much as a poster board for what's happening in my life. It's just me. I don't claim to be a fantastic writer. I don't aspire to be TFB or Strocel - they are truly amazing women and fantastic writers. I don't post as often as I'd like to (truthfully I could just sit and write about random crap that pops in my head all day, it's how my brain works). I'm not trying to offer advice or guide anyone. This is just me.
So while I'm sitting on hold waiting for information from an insurance company for the 5th time today my mind starts to wander, as it's known to do. Honestly, I have the attention span of a senile and mildly retarded fruit fly. I decided to poke around on my blogger site and see what exactly some of those little tab things at the top were. I'm bored and have already checked Facebook 6 times in the last 45 seconds, nothing new there.
I clicked on Stats. As I expected it's a list of the percentages of stuff on my page. Number of views on my posts (42 for the one announcing my pregnancy - pretty cool!), where the traffic is coming from (mostly Facebook), and where my Audience is. So I figure it's just going to be some goofy something that maybe has it broken up by state and maybe I can see how many people I know in different states. Silly I know. Fruit fly here people. It breaks up page views by Now, Today, Week, Month, and All Time. This is where it gets cool. 7 people in Canada have read my blog this week! And someone in Denmark! How friggin' cool is that? Seriously, if you're in Canada and Denmark and reading my blog then a)OMGthatssofriggincoolIloveyou!!!! and b) drop a comment and say hello! Tell me how you found this and why in creation you're reading it. Don't get me wrong I'm totally and completely amazed that you would take the time, but I don't think I'm all that amazing. I'm curious as to what had you so bored.
In the last month I have had people from Canada, India, Poland, Denmark, Ghana (apparently in West Africa, had to look that one up - sorry), and Russia. Since May I have had traffic from China, France and Israel, too!
This is one of those things that is probably only cool to me. But, this is my virtual medicine cabinet and you peek at your own risk.
Seriously, probably the coolest thing that's happened to me in a long time.
I need to get out more.

Official Announcement

2010-09-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

So here it is. Our Official Announcement!
I'm pregnant again!

I thought it best to answer some of the questions we've been getting...

You know what causes that right? - Yes, yes we do. And that's the best part of trying.
Are you trying for a boy? - I would like a boy. But, a healthy baby is what we are hoping for most.
What if it's another girl? - Then we start our own volleyball team.
How many are you going to have? - We figure we'll keep trying until we get an ugly one. Actually, this is it. Any more and we can't buy a car at a regular dealership. I'm not OK with that.
When are you due? - April
April what? - Whenever the baby lets us know it's time.
Where are you delivering? - At home. No, I'm not nuts.
Who's your doctor? - I've got a great family doctor, Dr. Merrill in Enumclaw, and we'll have midwifery care as well.
Is this the reason behind your increased Facebook posts on birth and delivery? - No, there has been an increase in discussion and information as of late. I think it's important to share the information with people who might not know that these changes are happening.
When is your first doctor's appointment? September 27th.

That's it I guess. We're really excited.

Happy New Year!

2010-09-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

No, I have not decided to give up on the rest of this year. I have not decided that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas aren't really worth the hassle (although, that doesn't sound half bad!). I am a mother of four children, and three of them are school-age. Today is my New Year! With a family full of educators I know I'm not the only one.
Today is the day we get back on track. Today we get back in the swing of things and say goodbye to the chaos of summer and hello to the controlled chaos of the new school year. We have bedtimes and schedules to keep. I start making dinner again. We sit at the table and enjoy a rambunctious half hour between practices, homework, concerts, chores and business travel. I wrote the first of many checks for lunch money today.
I put more miles on the mini-van between now and first report cards than I do all summer. It's carpool for golf practice, after-school activities and Mom-can-I-go-here's. It's taking Fiona to the indoor park twice a week.
This is the time of year where I vow to get more organized. To get this large family in order and running smoothly. I set the resolution to be more patient but am usually screaming about homework the first week. I take a look at our finances and set new goals, completely forgetting that the budget I set out to go by last year has gone out the window more times than I can count.
This year I will get the place organized and get rid of the stuff I've slated for donations but never managed to get out of the house. I will keep up on laundry and give the kids some leeway on chores. I will not yell - as much. I will work with Fiona three times a week for 30 minutes or more on pre-school activities. I will get back into my exercise routine that was working so well before I went on vacation.
I know this all seems a little ambitious. And it is. I know that all of these things are not going to happen, and those that do are not going to happen in the Norman Rockwell way that lives in my head. I'm realistic about it. As I watch the school buses start to make their rounds again it leaves me hopeful for the year ahead.
So, I'll say it again - Happy New Year everyone! May it be all that you hope for and more.

The Magic of Disney

2010-09-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

The Magic of Disney is real. I never thought it was. A clever marketing ploy, a play on the creative minds that make up the Disney animation maybe. What I was not expecting was there to be actual magic.

The girls managed to go off together and not fight. They laughed and joked and had fun together. The bickering was down to a minimum.

My husband smiled, a real, happy smile for the first time in weeks. He left his phone in his pocket for hours at a time. We flirted and laughed together. I was able to relax and loosen my control a bit.

I giggled with my girls again.

The memories from this trip will last a lifetime. It was a lot of work. It was amazingly expensive. It was worth every bit!

I thought I posted this last week when we got back! Oops.

Educator or Militant ?

2010-09-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has known me for more than a day knows my passion for birth and all things birth related. It is something that I feel so strongly about that I want to make it my career. After 30-ish years of not knowing what I want to be when I grow-up I feel like I have finally found my calling. I want to be a Childbirth Educator. I haven't figured out exactly which path to take yet but I'm working on it. There are a number of different paths, so I'm just down to picking one.
Because this is something so dear to my heart it is something that I am immersed in almost daily. I have a list of blogs that I check regularly to read the newest information and keep up on what is going on in the birth community. I read blogs by midwives, doulas, educators, and women who are not in the "business" of birth, but find the current state of affairs less than desirable. I read the findings that are published on the blogs by the ACOG (American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) that set the standard for modern maternity care. I've read the benefits and risks of "Routine Interventions". I know the c-section rate for my state and where to find the information by hospital. I know my stuff and I know where to find what I don't know.
Birth, more accurately c-section birth, has been in the media a lot lately. The national average hovers right above 30%. 1/3 of all American babies are born via c-section. This varies by region, state and hospital of course but that's the average. Any woman giving birth has a 1 in 3 chance of having surgery merely for giving birth. This bothers me. Not a little. A LOT!
I post links on my facebook page. OK, I post a lot of links on my facebook page. I want to get the information out there. Is that not the best way to educate people but to make the information available to people who might not otherwise have the opportunity to see it? Sometimes the comments get...heated. Nothing vulgar, nothing hurtful, but there is passion behind the opinions. During these "debates" is where I start to wonder - Have I crossed the line to Militant? I've heard "You're so passionate about this". Is that nice for "you're a nut-job about this stuff!!"? How will I learn to control my passion in a way that will allow me to educate my students in a (at least mildly) non-biased way?
Birth is such a profoundly personal experience that we share a piece of with everyone we come in contact with. It can be a spiritual or traumatic experience. I feel like education is key.
During a recent debate on the overuse of c-sections I was lucky to engage with a friend who had a very life saving c-section. It is hard to explain to her how any doctor could provide anything less to anyone else. She is rightfully concrete in her belief that c-sections are life saving procedures. Without them she and her baby could have lost their lives. I have a few friends that have had this experience and am thankful for the surgery that kept them here to debate with me. I am grateful for the c-section that I had that I believe saved Allie. I know that there is cause for c-section.
I have a friend that has worked in L&D and has seen the devastating outcome when the interventions were not fast enough. The lifeless babies, the hemorrhaging mothers. I am grateful for these friends and their perspectives. Know that I love and respect each of you for them.
But I also know the flip-side. I know the women who have been traumatized by their births. I know the women who have suffered PTSD because of how their bodies and their babies were treated during this most sacred of times. The women who feel violated and scared. Where fear tactics were used to force them into doing something they didn't believe in "for the safety of the baby" only to deliver a baby without complications. This is where the "well at least you have a healthy baby" statement usually comes in. What I think some people overlook or don't realize is the At Least in that statement. At least you have a healthy baby. Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, your body or your ability to protect your child. At least, because you no longer have trust in the medical providers that are supposed to keep you and your baby healthy. At least. My heart breaks for each and every one of you that has gone through that.
These are the things I want to educate women about. First time to fifth time and beyond moms.
For me natural birth is the way. It is how I want to bring my babies into the world. It's how I believe that babies should be born. But I didn't always feel this way. I didn't always have the education that I have now. I want to educate. Not to make a decision for someone, but to help them to make the most educated decision that they can. Do you want an epidural in the parking lot? Fine. Know the risks. Know the advantages. Water birth? Know the risks and advantages. Scheduling your next c-section? Ask the questions. Know the risks. Know the advantages. Talk to your providers. Ask the questions they may not want to answer. How do I provide this without being the Crazy Birth Lady?
Be patient with me please, as I go through this process. There are none more convicted than the converted. Know that I believe in my heart that the choice is yours and I'm just trying to help.

Too Short Summer - An Update

2010-08-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already the middle of August. I don't know where the time has gone. It's been a rather lazy summer for us. Allie and Jane left for Wisconsin just a couple days after school let out. They've been having a great time and are really enjoying the time they are getting to spend with their father. Because of our upcoming vacation they got to have a couple extra weeks there. I think it's been good for all of them. He's been dealing with some personal things and it's been therapeutic for him to have them there and to spend some extra time with them. His troubles have been a blessing in disguise for the girls and they seem to have had a better time this trip than they have had in the past. For me it's been an long time and I am ready to have my family back together. While a dozen or so days don't seem like that much, it really makes a difference. The house is too quiet, too big and too empty without them here.
Krysty is spending some time in California with my family. I know that she misses her friends but she's gotten to do a couple of really cool things. Plus I know that my mom has benefited from having her there. I know it's hard to have the girls so far away. Krysty and I have gotten much closer over the last few months and it's been tough for me to have her gone. She's usually pretty helpful at home. Most of all I just miss her presence.
The most exciting part of the summer has been Fiona breaking her leg. It wasn't any harrowing accident where we're just glad she came away with nothing worse. It was a random fall of 18 inches off a patio during a play-date. One of those things that's just ridiculous. Even now I think back on it and the one thought that is constant is "Seriously?". She's fallen down the stairs, off the couch, coffee table and my bed. She's slipped in the tub and run into a corner when not paying attention. All with nothing more than a bump or some wounded pride. I've had to go find where her scream of "I STUCK!" was coming from. Now she's sporting a hot pink cast up to her thigh. Thankfully (I think) this has not slowed her down at all. The number of times in a day I say "Fiona, get down!" has not lessened. I'm happy for her child's resilience. I'm glad it won't be putting a damper on her summer. We're still able to sit on the patio while she plays on her slide or in the grass. I feel fortunate that with four children this is the first time anything has actually broken. We've had stitches and trips to the ER, but this is my first child to walk around in a cast of any kind.
Doug is working his arse off. He's still covering two additional markets and is constantly up to his eyeballs in emails, phone calls and something that has to be handled Now. They have hired someone to take over some of it but relief is still some time off. I never thought I'd say I'd be happy when he goes back to "only" working 60 hours a week. He's handling it well. Of course he always does. We've been able to sneak in a few day trips and some "extra" time together, and that's been nice. I love the way he makes time for us and remembers why he's working so hard.
As for me, I miss my older girls. I miss the noise and the company. I miss the help. I miss everything that comes with having a house with four children in it. Ask me again in September and I will be longing for my quiet summer days when nap time means silence. I'm still dealing with the fertility/trying to conceive roller coaster. I can't wait for the day to be able to say "We did it! And it stuck!". Crazy is as crazy does, I suppose. There are some things that are just too hard to pull back the throttle on.
I hope everyone else is enjoying the summer in the way they most desire.

Please Stay Out of My Womb

2010-07-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

I read a recent article discussing the merits of having an only child. It discusses the constant badgering to have more children that parents who have made the choice to have only one child receive. I will admit that I have been guilty of the "so are you going to have more?" question. Personally it is not a choice that I (obviously) made for myself or my children. Being raised as an only-child-with-siblings I was lonely and didn't want that for my own children. I longed for the companionship and even the antagonistic nature of a sibling close to my age and in my own house. I wanted to have to share a room and fight over what toy was mine. I wanted a confidant. I wanted a partner-in-crime. I wanted someone else that understood. I was jealous of friends with siblings close to their age. What I would not understand until I was older was that if I had only one child she would not know the loneliness that I had felt for a variety of reasons - least of which was a lack of siblings. Now that they do have multiple siblings I do what I can to foster a close relationship between them. I am constantly trying to remind them that there is no relationship in the world like that of your sister. When I am long gone it will be your sisterhood that binds you together. Part of my desire for another child is a fear that Fiona will someday know the pain of having a sister you have no hope of being close to because of the gap in your ages. It is not the only reason but I would be dishonest if I did not admit that I do think about it and often.
The fact that we are trying to have another baby is something that gets me the same type of rude remarks people choosing to only have one child are faced with. Things like: You know what causes that right? Are you ever going to stop? You want ANOTHER ONE? Are you NUTS? Well, that will be your last one then, right - because you can't possibly want more!
Are you freakin' kidding me, people? STAY OUT OF MY WOMB! The only person who really and truly has option to comment on the state of my reproductive life is the person that I am reproducing with! I hadn't realized how much this truly bothered me until I was reading about how upset and defensive people were made to feel about only having one child. I understood their desire to not have to explain the choices that they make in their own families, marriages and bedrooms.
(To my friends with only one child that do not plan to have any more I say this: I am sorry if I have EVER made a comment that has made you feel uncomfortable or defensive about your decision. I ask only out of curiosity and as a person who is passionate about birth and pregnancy - not from a place of judgment or rudeness.)
Please, General Public, if you are not helping to make the baby keep your shock and awe to yourself.
I love my large family. With every child we bring in more love. We have struggles unique to a large family but are without those that a family with few children might have. Don't ask what those might be, I can't remember. Every child we have is an amazing miracle. Maybe I like a challenge. Maybe I am in fact as crazy as people tell me I am. Either way I am proof that contrary to what this blog might want you to think, I am happier than I ever thought possible. My children do not make me happy but are very much a part of my happiness.
I think in an age where the innermost workings of our lives and thoughts are shared in two line updates on social networking sites and in greater details in blogs people have lost the ability to think before they speak.
One last note: Parents of only one child, please remember you are as much of a freak to people like me as we are to you. :)

Two Years And A Day

2010-06-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Doug and I spent the last few days celebrating our two year wedding anniversary. Saturday we had brunch at our favorite restaurant, Salty's. Followed by a helicopter tour of Seattle. Last night, our actual anniversary, we took the girls out to celebrate with us at Mama Sortini's in Puyallup.
Marriage is not what I expected it to be. I know that sounds funny since I had been married once before, but this is different. Marriage was hard and a lot of work. There were constant battles. It was bi-polar. It was something I swore I would never do again. When Doug asked me to marry him I agreed because I loved him enough to be willing to put the work in to build a life with him. The funny thing is that I haven't had to. What I'm learning is that marriage with the right person is easy. Sure, there's conflicts and we have our less than stellar moments. But it's not hard. It's not work.
I think I have married the most patient man on the planet. He is beyond patient with me when I feel like the house is falling down around me. When I apologize for the house being a mess he just shrugs it off "I don't like to clean, why should you?". When I forget to take the dry-cleaning in - for the fourth day in a row - he says "I could do it just as easily and I didn't".
He's my buoy. He gives me something to anchor myself to. When the waters get rough he is there, riding the waves and being a beacon of all that is good and stable.

I said them two years ago, have lived them since and will continue to do so:

from today, I will belong to you for the rest of my life. I promise to love and honor you; and to give you my strength, and to stand by you in joy and in sorrow, and ask you to stand by me. I want you to share your hopes, desires, and dreams with me. I know that our home will be one of love and understanding. I promise to care for you when you are sick, stand by you when times are difficult, and to share the warmth and joy of life. I give you all my trust and all of my tomorrows. I will grow with you as long as I live.

I Broke My Daughter's Heart

2010-06-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

I had to break my daughter's heart - and my own while I was at it. It's bound to happen sooner or later - it does with all of them. That knowledge does not make it easier.
Allie had a "boyfriend" that she's been talking about for a few weeks now. I hadn't given it much thought, as middle-schoolers cycle through boyfriends like they share pens. There's been a few that she's liked and then not and then liked again. I figured after a couple of weeks this one would be old news, too. Krystyne, having had to submit to the torturous task of bringing her boyfriend home decided that it was high time that Allie be subjected to the same disgrace. That's when we found out that he "doesn't live here". Um, what? He lives in WI. Um, WHAT?!?! My head went firmly into the are-you-freakin'-kidding-me mode. "Dad said he'll take me to see him while I'm there". Oh, this just gets better and better.
From here the details of their meeting get a little fuzzy. He's the cousin of a friend's ex-boyfriend, he's was in town for a funeral. She first saw him on a Warp Tour message board and happen to recognize him with a friend. It gets a little fishy and I realized that the "how" of it all was not really important.
There were some text messages that had pinged my Mom Radar as a little concerning. Just basic ever-lasting-love teenage crap that is to be expected. There was just something in it that gave me reason to pause. I had shrugged it off to my over protective Mama Bear stuff, but it just didn't sit right.
Last night I sat down with Al to try to talk some sense into her. And by talk some sense, I mean really explain how the hell this was NEVER going to happen. Let's start with logistics of the whole thing. The kid lives an hour away from where her dad lives. Just the chance of seeing him is almost non-existent, no matter what Dad says. There's a lot of "sure, we'll go to the lake, mall, whatever" that doesn't happen. Not with any malicious intent but sometimes you just don't get to it. It happens here all the time, it's not something I fault him for. Add to that taking away the very little time that they get out there, how likely is it really. Here's what the next few visits look like:
Summer - Late June to Mid August
Christmas Break - Two weeks at the end of December
Summer - 6 weeks in July/August
How do you have any kind of relationship in that time? Is it really fair to ask Dad during the only few weeks he gets in the next year to take you somewhere for a few hours to make googly eyes at some boy? This is all around just a bad idea. The 65-ish days they get with their dad should be spent with him. It's all he gets and it's not fair to ask that he give that time up.
I hated to do it but I had to draw the line. How crazy would I be to allow this to continue? I'm a little nuts, I'm not that nuts.
I know that I had to do what was right for my daughter even if she can't see it now. Even if she can't see past the hurt that she sees me "intentionally" dishing out for her. I can see the 800 ways this could go terribly wrong. Maybe it's too many Lifetime movies. Maybe it's my own paranoia about my girls having to go through even an ounce of the horrors I went through in my early (and even later) relationships. I can see how isolating something like this could become. I can't sit by and watch while she passes by opportunities and experiences that she should be having out of some misplaced loyalty to some mangy, weird kid that can't land a girlfriend in his own town. My Allie is beautiful, even with the mounds of eyeliner and ever-changing hair colors. She is a complicated, sensitive child. Under normal circumstances she stands back and watches before making her choices. She can be impulsive. She is goofy and funny and pure joy. She worries me more than any of the other kids. She is stubborn and sarcastic and helpful. I will not stand by while some little freak-job (hey, I am not required to be diplomatic here) pulls on her heart-strings and toys with her emotions. I won't. I don't have to. I am asserting my parental right to come in and destroy their hopes and dreams in the name of knowing what's best. A part of her may hate me now, but I'm OK with that. In 5 years I will remind her of this and she will say "who? I don't remember that, Mom". I can wait.
For now I offer distractions and give her a little more leeway with friends. Summer is coming and she'll be leaving soon. This trip will be longer than most. I will block the little punk's number from her phone and erase it from her address book. I'll give it to her dad to do the same and watch for. (Amazingly enough Kraig actually agrees with me on this one. We don't often agree when it comes to parenting. I'm glad he's on my team for this one)
Eighth grade will provide a whole new set of boys to make googly eyes at. I hope one day she understands.

Fiona's Firtst 100 Words... and then some

2010-05-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

Doug and I were just noticing how much Fiona's vocabulary has exploded recently. I decided that it would be a good idea to start writing down all the words she could say. As the list grew I wondered if she had a vocabulary of at least 100 words. Here are the first 100 (plus a few extra) that I could think of with help from Fiona and Krystyne.

The Basics: The easy stuff.

Doug (This was her first word. He's obviously not happy about this one, but she's the only one in the house that doesn't call him Doug. Sometimes she still does but she'll learn as she gets older)
Mama
Mom
Papa
Jane
Al
Sister
Krys (We're still working on this one. It's relatively new.)
Baba (completely interchangeable with cup)
Cup
Mine
No
Cat
Dog
Fred (pronounced Sed)
Hello
Hi
Bye
Baby

Her Body: Learning about herself

Hair
Head
Eyes
Nose
Mouth
Chin
Cheeks
Ears
Arm
Hands
Elbow
Spot (her word for freckle)
Belly Button

Her World: Things that she does, has or wants

Brush (This can be either the hair brush or her tooth brush)
Shower
Diaper
Snack
Shoes
Socks
Toys
Color (So far her favorite activity)
Yuck
Gross (Eewww is one, too)
Hug
Kiss
Stairs
Happy
Car
Flower
Balloon
Up
Outside
Ball
Ouch
Coupon (yes, this is my girl!)
Wash
Soap
Clap
Book
Color
Cracker
Cake
Stuck
Help
Cereal
Coffee (Guess figuring out her parents aren’t hard!)
Jump
Pat (as in pat on the back or pat the dog, which she does)
Hot
Talk

Animals: She’s learning about animals and can point to them in her book

Frog (pronounced Sog)
Fish (pronounced Sish)
Duck
Chicken
Cow (Often followed by moooo! Thanks Carla)
Hamster
Bear
Turtle
Elephant
Pig
Goat
Sheep
Zebra
Mouse
Squirrel

Cartoons: Proof we watch way too much TV

‘Toons
Calliou
Club House
Goofy
Minnie Mouse
Mickey Mouse
Daisy
Donald
Wow-Wow
Zaboo
Manny

Learning: She loves learning her shapes and gets excited when she recognizes them. Although most things are still Circles. She only knows one color so far and one number.

Blue
Two
Circle
Rectangle
Oval
Star
Heart

Small Phrases: Small phrases and sentences that she likes to use

Thank you
Ready, Set, Go!
All Done
Good Job
I Get You!
Awesome! (Usually follows a High Five)

What They Don't Tell You About Trying to Get Pregnant

2010-05-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get pregnant.
Anyone who knows me knows this is not a secret. We are hoping for that ever elusive Bouncing Baby Boy. Since I was little I've always wanted a son. "When I grow up I want to have a boy!". Apparently God was listening and in his infinite humor has decided to bless me with four beautiful girls instead. I love my girls completely and would never wish that they were anything but who they are (a limited trade on some of our harder days wouldn't be totally unwelcome though). So, we keep trying. Even if our next baby is a girl we will be done. I've always wanted a big family but five is my limit. Any more and we stop being able to buy cars from regular car dealerships. That folks, is where I draw the line.
So, we're trying. I read somewhere once that announcing publicly that you are trying to get pregnant is like saying "Guess what everybody! We're having SEX!". And it is. I've never really tried to get pregnant before. It just kind of happened. Jane was sort of planned. The phrase "we should try to get pregnant" was used and a month later there it was. Even with Fiona, Doug and I had wanted to get pregnant, knew that we would be trying soon. Life apparently had other plans. This time has not been so easy.
For a year we have been trying to get pregnant. In December we got our BFP (that's Big Fat Positive in fertility lingo). In January we got our Big Fat Devastation. I keep waiting. I'm charting my temperature every morning at 6 o'clock. Every morning. It's the first thing I do. It's the first thing that I think about. I have a membership to a website online that puts together a fancy little graph for me and charts my temperature, our sex life and various other bodily functions that most people don't think about on a daily basis. I have peed on numerous little strips of litmus paper looking for indications of hormone surges. Women trying to get pregnant are obsessed with peeing on little pieces of paper and sticks bought in 3 packs. You start long before you know you can't possibly get a positive. But you do it anyway. I know the percentage of an accurate result based on brand. I know the average price and where to find them on sale. A million dollar market for stuff to pee on. Amazing isn't it? I know on any given day of the month what is going on in my body. I can tell you the day I ovulated. And I do. I have had girlfriends tell me "what are you doing talking to me? Go trip your husband!". As women I guess they understand.
The one thing the doctors don't tell you when you start this journey is how friggin' HARD it is. The gut wrenching disappointment when you reach for that box of tampons. You don't realize how hard you pray that your period doesn't start on the day you know it will. And you know it will. That day or the next because you've been watching your temperature do a nose dive for 3 days. Or the times when you dread going to the bathroom because your temperatures have remained high. There's been a slight downward arc, but nothing alarming. It's been a little chilly at night, hasn't it? Your husband stole the covers, or got out of bed earlier so of course you're a little cooler than normal. You wouldn't think that a 0.08 drop in temperature could cause such turmoil but it does!
One week a month sex becomes something else. It's not the loving act between a married couple. It's not the carnal desire of two people attracted to each other. It's sex with a mission. With a purpose. This is it. We have this three day window. We have to make this work. You do try to make it something more but you both really know better. It's not like he doesn't know what's going on. Because he knows you're ovulating soon. He knows because you've said so. You told him last month when the period came that next month around the 10th would be it. You told him Sunday that he better rest up because Wednesday is looking good. You've reminded him about the vitamins and he's seen the OPK's lined up so you can watch the surge. The shaved legs, the extra time on the hair, the spruced up house, the million little things that you do to try to hide the fact that tonight we get to WORK, damn it! Because if it works this time, you can stop all of this. All of the madness and craziness that you put yourself through. He knows and he loves you.
You do want to stop the craziness. You do - but you can't. So you keep it up and you keep going and you try just one more time. Because next time it will work. Right?
I am blessed with the wonderful husband that I have. Doug wants another baby, too. The act of trying is great. He says it'll happen when it's supposed to. (The nurse at my doctor's office said we just need to go on vacation, or plan something important, because that's when babies are conceived) He is tender and reassuring and calm about it. But, that's my Doug and how he is about everything. He is supportive and understanding in his recent knowledge of everything he didn't realize he didn't want to know about the female reproductive system. He loves me. I am thankful for that every single day.
So we'll keep it up. Maybe next month will be the last month.

Nutcase Behavior

2010-04-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

One of my new favorite blogger is The Feminist Breeder. She is an amazing woman with a talent for making a point in a way that speaks to me.
In Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah there is a part where he talks about how you can find the answer to any question you have by just randomly opening a book and the answer will be there. I find this same concept to sometimes apply to the blogs I read. Tonight it did.
I have been suffering through a rather awkward social situation over the last few days. I have been called out and ostracized for speaking my mind and holding people to the same standard that I expect of myself. I am angry over the whole incident and have been trying to decide how much and what to share here. I do not want to resort to a "public" bashing. While I am choosing to take the High Road in the whole situation there is still that voice in the back of my brain that shouts for me to lash out and call out the people for their behavior. I'm angry. And truth be told I'm a little hurt - in a what'd-I-ever-do-to-you kind of way.
Before taking any kind of grand action I decided to clear my head in the blog-o-sphere. It clears my head and helps me to put my words in order. That's when I had my Illusions moment. So, instead of trying to put together some kind of witty blog on my half-mush brain I think I will let TFB do it for me HERE. Thanks for the help, Gina. To those that know what's going on Hell Yeah! and Suck It! depending on which side of the fence you're on. If you don't know what's going on, too damn bad - but I hope you enjoy it anyway, it's a good read.

Airport Fiasco

2010-04-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

While I am generally a fan of going to the airport, tonight was an exception. I find airports to be highly amusing places. It's the best place in the world to people watch.
I went to go pick up Allie and Jane from their flight home from their visit to see their dad. This is something I do about 3 times a year so I'm fairly well versed in how the airport works. Tonight they threw me for a loop. Allie is old enough now that the girls don't fly as Unaccompanied Minors and technically do not require escorts to and from the gate. However, we still do this. It's not a big deal. I go to the ticket counter when I drop them off, let them know that I want to escort them and get a gate pass. I leave my ex-husband's name with them as the person that will be picking them up on the other side and he checks in when he gets there and goes through without incident. This process is then repeated in reverse on the way home. This generally runs rather smoothly. When you do this six times a year you get pretty good at it. For instance, I know that flights to Milwaukee are generally about 20 minutes early. Flights into Seattle are generally about 20 minutes late. Depending on the time of day I know how early I need to get there to get through security in a timely manner and which point to go through. We've had a couple mishaps (like the time his wife forgot to leave my name at the counter) but all in all we've got the process down.
Tonight was a different story. When I got to the ticket counter they were closed. How the hell am I supposed to get a gate pass if there's no one from the airline to help me? I asked a representative from a nearby airline what I could do. She pointed me to the customer service number and suggested I call them. Well, it's Sunday. It's also Easter. The automated line informed me that they had closed for the day some 8 hours earlier. Shit. The arrivals board said that the flight had arrived on time at 10:07, not at 10:57 like it was on the website when I checked earlier in the day. SHIT! I tried the counter at baggage claim but there wasn't a counter for the airline they were on. I called Doug in an obvious panic because I was on one side of security while my kids had possibly been sitting on the other side for close to an hour. He suggested I find our nearest friendly TSA person and explain the situation and see what they could do. So I found one and explained the situation. Thankfully she was what one would expect from our highly trained government employees and was next to no help at all. Was I sure that there was no one at the ticket counter? Um, yes. I could try to talk to another airline. Done. I could have them paged. I'm not even sure the plane has landed but thank you for your "help" and don't strain yourself getting off that stool on my account. I left wondering what exactly the punishment was for punching a government employee for being stupid was.
Then I saw a Port of Seattle officer and decided he couldn't be an less helpful than I had encountered so far and asked for his help. Bless this man! He listened to my story and said that he would meet me at the exit from the terminal once he had his "vehicle". Apparently he was living out fantasies from his youth while watching CHiPs. This little scooter thing was hilarious but I kept my snarky comments to myself since he was being so helpful. He scooted down to the gate where they would be arriving and talked with the ticket people there and found out that the plane was just coming in. He came in and assured me that they would not be left to wander. When I explained that they were not listed as Unaccompanied Minors he zoomed off with the assurance that he would bring them back to me in one piece and that everything would be OK. And he did.
Thank you Mr Port of Seattle Officer. You made an incredibly worrisome experience turn out good in the end.

Some things we never leave behind

2010-04-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

It's funny to me how sometimes there are things that we expect to leave behind us because we are adults. There insecurities and the sometimes incomplete sense of self that you expect will go away once you "know who you are". As we get older we are able to look back over our lives and see things that were the "end of the universe" to us as children and teenagers, with the clarity of experience, and understand how inconsequential those thoughts/feelings were. In the grand scheme of things the problems of Then are so small in the Now.
Once we have children we watch them go through some of the same situations that we did. While the circumstances are never the same, the situations are. I watch my daughters go through the same struggles that I did as a young girl. While it breaks my heart to see that they are having to fight with these things I know that the experiences are going to make them The Woman She Will Become.
Sometimes though, it doesn't happen like that. I am that Woman. As we age we are (or at least should be) constantly evolving. We are learning from our experiences and forming new relationships. Our personalities are like a muscle that is constantly exercised. While the same basic shape is there, the abilities are forever changing. Every once in a while though, we are forced to come face to face with the fact that we have not overcome things that we had expected we would or even thought we had.
I had a conversation with Krysty last night that brought this very thing to light. While getting the basics of what was going on was a slow and painstaking process getting to the root of the matter was much simpler. I watched as she looked at me with increasing sense of awe as I was able to put exact words to her feelings. Feelings that she couldn't quite explain herself. "You're feeling like this, and this, and this". "This is a problem here, here and here. What other people don't get is THIS". No, I am not a mind reader. But I am Mom. I come with my own experiences and yes, sometimes those experiences will mirror your own, Kid. I know from experience exactly how you are feeling because I went through that, too. I have the wisdom that comes from living through it and being able to have the hindsight of an adult to look back and understand what is going on with you now. Unfortunately there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't stop it. Here are some tools, some tricks, and the best words of advice I can offer you but that's all I have.
I hope for now that it is enough. I hope that one day she can look back at this conversation and understand that I am doing the best that I can. Maybe this will stand out as one of my finer moments. A mom can dream, can't she?
In trying to explain the situation to Doug I realized that this is not only something that I Once dealt with, but is something that I Am dealing with. I know that it was difficult for him to understand what she was going through. I know he doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do to help her because he is unable to recognize it or help me while I struggle with the same issue. Intellectually I understand how his brain works and where the discrepancy is in the situation. It's not that he's unwilling to help. It's that he does not recognize the problem as I do and sees no need for resolution. There's no need to fix something that isn't broken. If he does acknowledge the problem there is still little that he can do to help because he lacks the skills necessary to be part of the solution. The old adage holds true here that "If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem". This is something that we have struggled with for the entirety of our relationship. For me, it's like having something stuck under your contact lens.
I would've rather hit the corner of something hard with my pinky toe than have had to come to this realization. Finding yourself racked with the same insecurities as your 15 year old daughter is difficult. Facing those insecurities while struggling with the shortcomings of someone you love sucks.
I went to bed with a head full of questions and problems there seems to be no solution to or chance or resolution for.
It was a long night.

It's a Small, Small World

2010-03-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

The internet has suddenly made the world tiny. I've had repeated conversations with friends that have found - or been found by - random people from the past. Old boyfriends/girlfriends, high school pal, or just people they've known and lost track of. I've looked up people myself. I had one of those experiences myself recently.
I was reading through my facebook page and saw that one of my friends had just become friends with a name I found familiar. It's a common name and I figured it was just a coincidence. It didn't seem possible that this particular person from my past could be friends with this fairly new friend. So I clicked on the link and there was a picture and it was in fact the old flame I thought it was. I've talked to a couple people about it and they've said I should email or say hello. But I don't really want to. We had an odd relationship, and to resurface that 15+ years later seems silly. Plus our mutual friend has close ties with someone I grew up with and I don't know how much of that time I am willing to rehash. There's nothing particularly bad or dark that I want to hide, there's no real skeleton that I'm interested in keeping in a closet. I made pivital decisions during that time and I don't want to go back. The flame burned fast and bright and I'd rather remember him as he was at 20 that know who he is now at almost 40.
Fast cars, ocean air and lots of laughs make for good memories. I wish him the best and hope that his life has turned out as well as he had hoped it would.
I know mine has.

Today was a good day.

2010-03-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing all that exciting happened, but it was a good day. It's spring break and Allie and Jane are off on their visit with Kraig and his family. Doug is out of town doing inventory work in Wenatchee. That leaves Krysty, Fi and me together without any kind of real big agenda. Krysty made it to to about noon before she started with the "Mom, I'm bored" and really I could use a little something else to do, too. So, we headed out to the mall for a little shopping. Alright, I'll admit it didn't really take much coaxing and it was a fun day. We had lunch together and wandered the mall a bit. While shopping with a teenager is about as exciting as watching paint dry, and a little taxing on the wallet I didn't mind. I managed to get out of there for only a pair of jeans and a couple tank tops.
The soundtrack for the day was mostly gum popping and the sounds of thumbs on a keyboard, but there were laughs in there, too. Krystyne and I have come to a mutual understanding lately. I'm Mom, she's the Kid and we both have our rolls to play. She gets that I'm just doing the "mom thing" and that nothing I'm doing is a personal attack. I think the real rebellion has slowly leaked out of her. She's realized that it's easier just to do as I ask and that it isn't really all that much. I know I'm not out of the proverbial woods with her, but it seems as though we've at the very least entered a clearing. It seems as though she's realized that I'm a person and that I come with all the limitations that any other person can have. But with that she has also realized that I am not perfect and am not the end all, be all of everything. I am fallible and have my limitations but am doing the best with what I have been able to scrounge up in expertise and experience over the years. Thankfully that seems to be good enough for her.
I still get gum chewing, exasperation, eye-rolling, attitude, and mood swings. It's hard to believe that we've come to this understanding together. I'm enjoying it while it is here. I am content to have moved from the realm of being the embodiment of embarrassment and festering resentment - due to my tyrannical and completely illogical and unreasonable demands of what is so obviously a perfect child - to being a necessary-(while not entirely) evil until she can unleash her vast superiority and sophistication on the unsuspecting and ill prepared general population.
Lord help us all.
Today I am thankful for this time alone with my teenage daughter. Tomorrow I might not be so lucky. I'm glad I am today.

Who? Me?

2010-03-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

I got an email today from one of my friends that is part of the moms' group that I am a member of . She was checking in to see if I had mad a decision on whether or not to become a Mama Mentor (apparently I missed an email somewhere). The email said "As a Mentor Momma, you would be the “go to” gal for other mommas in the group. To listen, to advise, to live life with." Go To Gal? Me? Look ladies, we've talked about this... no more than 2 martinis before lunch! Apparently I've been nipping in the cooking sherry, too since I agreed to do it.
Honestly I'm honored. I can't believe that someone thought that out of all of the other people they know they I was the one that had it had it most together (or to offer) but I'll take it. Even more baffling is that there was a conversation that somewhere consisted of "OK, might as well ask her". I am willing to concede a nomination based on the fact that I probably have the most kids and they've all survived my "Parenting" (although let's not get too cocky folks, they're teenagers now and I can not promise they'll make it to adulthood). Either that or since having my 1/3 of a dozen children and I have managed to survive it gives someone else hope. I can't have played the game for this long without picking up something along the way, right? Dear Lord I hope so.
I've said it before, I don't think that I have any remarkable parenting skills. I parent by momentum. I use what I think is common sense and try not to hit myself in the head with a hammer any more than I have to. As parents, like with anything else, our generation thinks we've got it all figured out and can't fathom how our parents managed to no kill us with their "recklessness" (funny, sounds like my teenage daughter telling my husband how he couldn't possibly understand because "kids today are so much more sophisticated" - no kidding my friends, I couldn't make this shit up). I don't use any Method or live by any one Expert. I used cloth diapers and breastfed Fiona. Not because of some sense of moral superiority or because I was doing "the very best thing for my baby and the planet" - excuse me I think I just threw up a little. I did it because the thought of spending $20 or more a week to buy something for my kid to poop in seemed lame. And why should I buy something to feed my baby when I make that something for free, it's fairly easy to carry around, comes in rather nice packaging (if I do say so myself) AND makes her poop a little less rank. D'uh. I opted for natural childbirth because the alternative scared the hell out of me and I'm a big fat chicken. It doesn't seem like rocket science to me. Some call it Maternal Instinct. I call it Common Sense.
I've made mistakes in parenting. BIG mistakes. I've had a lot of "Probably Shouldn't Do THAT Again" moments. I've accepted I'm helping my kids into therapy.
I don't know what answers I'm going to be able to give. My biggest advice is to do what you think is best. Do the research for yourself, educate yourself and do what your heart says is right. If you can't do that I can't help you. But I will support, guide, answer the questions I can, try and figure out the ones I can't and all around try to somehow meet this funny vision of me someone has.
As cliche' a s it is - Parenting has been the best/worst job I have ever had. It makes me all teary just thinking of it. Thank you, Ladies, for having faith in me.

Boy I hope I don't F*&# this up!

Most Creatures Aren't Stirring

2010-03-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

There is something special about a sleeping house. All four kids are sleeping soundly. Or at least supposed to be. It's 10 o'clock and I'd bet money that Krysty is in texting her friends in the dark. She's 15 - what else can you expect? But the house is so quiet and still. Not in a creepy-movie-wait-for-the-music kind of way. Just peaceful. I can hear the "house noises". The bulldog is snoring, the cat bells, the furnace turning. Doug is traveling and his absence is felt, but not painfully. The stillness is nice. It's been some time since I've been able to enjoy this quiet time.
Doug has been working so much lately that I feel like I am missing something if I take this bit of late night solitude. We are limited to the amount of time that we have to spend together and so I hate to hide at my computer when we can get a few stolen moments together. While I am enjoying this tonight, talk to me at the end of day 9 of his traveling for the next round and I might not be so reminiscent of my solitary moments.
But I do miss my solitude sometimes. There's too many distractions during the day. Fiona, or work, or Facebook, or, or, or... Always something. I don't write as much during the day either. My brain can't focus. Doing this takes longer than you would think it does. Getting the words in order, getting them to sound right sometimes takes more effort. There are revisions and backspacing and "does that sound like what I am really feeling/thinking/meaning?". I keep saying that I want to keep this up to date and I keep seeing that it is just not happening. Maybe once the laptop is working again I will feel a little less reluctant to take the time to write.
Writing is therapeutic. Even when it is just senseless rambling (which I am finding this particular thing to be) it helps me clear my head. I often find that when I have something that is weighing heavy on my mind or heart that I will "write it out" in my head. I've thought of using the voice record option on my phone to record it as it comes to mind but worry that I wouldn't get it down after that. Not that it matters, but the act of recording would mean that there would be the expectation to do something with it. My expectation of myself. And really, I have enough of my own expectations that I don't meet, I'd rather not add to it. Quite frankly I really should give myself a good, stern talking to about my lack of follow through but... well, you see the problem.
Wasn't there a point I was trying to make laying around here somewhere? Oh yeah, there it is. I'm enjoying the silence. The quiet calm of my home. It's comforting and I think I shall sleep well tonight. Not soon or anything, but still well when I get there. Good night.

Coupons Rock

2010-03-09T16:10:00.000-08:00

So a couple months ago I got onto the Coupon Train thanks to a friend I met in my mom's group. She hosted a coupon class and it sounded interesting so I went. I won't go into details on how or what to do or any of that. There are plenty of blogs out there covering that stuff. It's simple. It takes some time to learn and get into it but it's fun in the end. It's like treasure hunting for me. And with a family as large as ours I head out to Wal-Mart a little more frequently than I'd like to. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a Clearance Girl! That's the first spot I hit when shopping and I'm not likely to pay full price for many things. It's mainly because I like to shop and growing up (and even afterward) I never had a lot of money. So, if I was going to have nice things I was going to have to do it as inexpensively as possible. This feeds into that.
I got my 3 newspapers on Sunday and felt like I'd won a small lottery. I finally sat down today and went through the Walgreens circular and took a look at what I wanted to get. It took some planning and preparation (and a small container of Goldfish for Fiona) but it was definitely worth it!
Here's what I walked out with:
2 Boxes Tampax Pearl Tampons
5 Yakisoba Teriyaki noodles
6 Colgate Total toothpaste
1 Box Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal
2 Glade Fragrance Collection Reed Diffusers
3 Dawn dish-washing liquid
1 L'Oreal mascara
2 Herbal Essences Hairspray
1 Herbal Essences Mousse
2 Herbal Essences Shampoos
1 Herbal Essences Conditioner
2 John Frieda Conditioners
1 John Frieda Shampoo

My original total was somewhere around $120. While this is not generally stuff I would buy all at once it is all things that I buy. Most of it falls into the "Oh And..." category. As in "Oh and I need shampoo or toothpaste or tampons or...". Or I go to the store for groceries and forget shampoo and it's another trip. The point is I'm not making extra trips for extra things that we don't want/need/use. I had a coupon for every thing on my list and only bought 1 thing not already on my list (but I had been looking out for it for sometime). In fact, because I know I can get better deals other places I left some things off this trip (and forgot a couple, too). I saved $38.95 by buying things already on sale or that had Walgreens only coupons - anything that had a Walgreens only coupons I stacked with manufacturers coupons. I saved $50.72 with manufacturers coupons.
My total savings was $89.67!! I couldn't believe it. I walked out with everything for just under $38!

Now to figure out where I'm going to store all of this. I think I need a bigger bathroom!

Where oh where have I gone?

2010-02-27T08:47:00.000-08:00

I have been asked recently - and frequently - where have you been? How are you? What's going on?
The answer seems simple enough. I've been hiding a bit. Hibernating. Recharging. Avoiding. I'm fine really. No, really I am. I've just been stuck in my own head for a while. It's a weird and scary place sometimes and has been filled with more than I can process as of late. So I just don't. I go through the motions. I hide. I clean. I talk to those closest and that's about it. I call my mom. Going through the motions of normalcy helps me bring it back.
Krysty has a boyfriend. A real one. A comes over and hangs out and they hold hands and cuddle on the couch and are as close as can be accomplished with parents in the house. This rattles me. Not only because I am somehow old enough to find myself with a teenage daughter that is going through this new phase of her life but because it was not that long ago that I was going through it all myself. It terrifies me. It causes me to have conversations I don't want to have. She's not supposed to be here yet. I'm not supposed to be here yet. EJ's a nice kid. He's polite and well mannered. Of course I make him nervous. Which I take great pride in. As a mom it is my job to make the little bastards that come sniffing around my daughters nervous. It's a fun game for me really. So I'm processing. Trying to move forward without muddying the waters too terribly and trying to keep my daughter from making the bad choices I did. So very cliche but true.
Last week would have been my 15th anniversary had Kraig and I stayed married. While I don't long for the "good ol' days" it did send me in to a reminiscent tail-spin. I have always had regret when it came to my divorce. Not because I think that we could have somehow made it - we were toxic to each other - but because I have always viewed it as my biggest personal failure. I can, with complete honesty, say that I was just as much to blame as he was for our relationship. I can go back and point to specifics and generalities equally and say "This Is Where I Went Wrong". I was not a good wife. I was not a good partner. I wasn't working with the cream of the crop either but I can not place blame on someone else when there is so much blame to put on myself. It was as it was but that doesn't change it. Fifteen years ago I had made a promise. A blind, stupid, naive promise that I did not understand. But that does not take away the responsibility that I felt and the failure to meet that promise I still feel. We are both better off. We both know it. Our spouses know it. And because of what my marriage to Kraig was I strive EVERY DAY to be a better wife to Doug. I love him beyond words. But it was my marriage to Kraig that allows me to appreciate what I have now and hold it so delicately so I don't fuck this up, too. We all have our hairshirts to wear. This is mine.
The other girls are fine. I can't get Allie to practice her trombone for God or Country. Jane tested the waters of not turning in homework and decided she is not that good of a swimmer. Fiona is growing like a weed. An opinionated, independent, stubborn little weed that has this entire house at her command.
Doug managed to miss being cut in a mass re-organization of Wal-Mart's upper management system. It means more work, longer hours and travel. But it also means a little more money and a great sigh of relief.
So that's it folks. Life came in fast and quick and knocked me on my ass for a bit. Nothing traumatic. Nothing broken, scratched or bruised. I just needed to sit here and catch my breath for a moment.

Brace Yourself

2010-01-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

Jane got her braces on yesterday. She's really excited about it and I'm excited for her. Jane and Allie both got my horrible palate, but thankfully we (and her dad) are in a position to fix it. Allie will be next this summer.

She did really good. She started in April with an expander to widen her narrow palate and help move things around. I'm amazed at the difference it's made in just a few short months. Now the braces, only four brackets on the top, will help straighten the rest and hopefully prevent or at least lessen the need for full mouth braces later.

Her whole world has shrunk down to the size of these four little brackets with pink rubber bands. "I didn't know that when you had braces..." or "my braces". Doug and I had to remind each other that while this is nothing serious to us, it's the most exciting thing to happen to her in the last 10 years! The up side to this is that she was off and running to brush her teeth right after dinner "Because when you have braces you have to brush really good all the time". Or so we were told.

Kid in braces - check. Kid in high school- check. Pre-teen perpetually grounded - check. Toddler - check. Looks like my Mom Bingo card is almost full!

Finally Sinking In

2010-01-16T16:52:00.000-08:00

Everything is finally sinking in.
It is finally hitting me and it sucks. I no longer have to act like I am pregnant because I am not.
Well fuck.
I can eat sushi if I want. Or nothing at all if it suits me. I can smoke or drink or take diet pills or asprin. Whether I will or not is not the issue but the fact that I CAN if it suited me. There is no worrying because I'm pregnant. I can loose weight, I can start running. I can work on fitting in my "old" clothes and I can go out and buy new ones because in all likelihood they will fit in two months. There are no doctor or midwife appointments to make, plans to make and nothing to adjust our life to. There is nothing we are preparing for. While I suddenly have emptied the list of the "forbidden" I have also cleared the calendar for the future. Everything has come to an absolute grinding, ear-splitting, glass-shattering stop. In the silence of the aftermath I have no idea what to do next.
The numbness has worn off but I'm not sure what is next. So far I've cleaned. My friends ask how I'm doing. And to the ones that I am closest to and the people who know me best I tell them "the house is clean and smells like bleach if that tells you anything". It is and it does. The bathrooms are cleaned and vacuumed and the dishes are done and the floors are mopped. The clutter has been worked on and the little things that have been put off for the last few months are done. If I can control the chaos around me then maybe I can control the chaos that is going on in my head. I've been snippy with Doug a few times and bitchy with the kids but nothing that holds any real steam behind it.
I'm not sure how to process this. There are moments of overwhelming sadness. When we went to the hospital Monday for the D&C it was this roller coaster that I couldn't control. I was fine when we left until we got there. I was fine once we were checked in but not once we got back to the "prep" area. I was fine in the prep area but not waiting for the anesthesiologist. I was fine until I woke up. And until we were ready to leave. And until we got home. I was fine when a dear friend called and saved me by talking about anything but. I wasn't fine in between. Doug was amazing at the hospital. His quiet presence was what held me together. Knowing that he was going through it too and that I was not alone made the burden easier to bear. Because it was shared by the man I love most in this world I knew that I could and would be OK. It's the in between that I'm finding hard to deal with. It is the split second moments when I realize that the beer I'm drinking is no big deal.
I don't know how to get around this or past it. I'm sure this is one of those time-heals-all-wounds kind of deals. Until then I need to keep cleaning. I need to keep busy. I know that I need to move forward and to fill the days with something but I haven't figured out what that is yet. When you are pregnant it is an all encompassing thing and now I find that I have all this empty space to fill and I'm not sure what to do with it. It's like wading through mud and then finding yourself on dry ground. I'm struggling to get my bearings.
So for now I'm sure something needs dusting and there's a Diet Coke or margarita with my name on it and a pair of jeans I think I still fit into. And a little bit in between to be dealt with.

Thank You Ladies

2010-01-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a great time with a fantastic group of ladies. I want to thank them all for their laughter, their joy, their friendship and their support.
Too often as women we isolate ourselves. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we never truly out grow that gangly, awkward stage that we are so hormonally catapulted into sometime around 11. We are then bombarded by the social "ideal" that only a scant 1% has any hope to achieve. I like to live with my own delusions that even they are afraid they don't measure up and are somehow found wanting. This is what gets me through the day. It si not until the journey has left it's map on our bodies and our faces that there is the slightest glimmer of recognition that we just might be OK just the way we are. Unfortunately if you stick more than one of us in a room the sad reality is that we are again that unsure adolescent. Does she like me? Does she not? Does she like my hair/clothes/shoes/make up? Am I too fat/skinny/tall/short/loud/quiet? Will they get my jokes and my sense of humor? Did that just sound stupid? The list that we all bring with us is endless.
The joy in tonight was being able to sit with this dozen plus group of ladies and watch the camaraderie. You can watch the insecurities fade away before your eyes. There are ladies I know better than others and I look forward to getting to know them all better. The weaknesses and struggles are all still there but are drowned out by the conversation and laughter. That was the whole point to getting together tonigh. To leave the worries and endless responsibilities of our everyday lives at home and enjoy the support of those kindred souls. Those who must also put aside their own insecurities and ask for and give acceptance.
Thank you, again my friends, for a night of joy and laughter. Thank you for the opportunity to get to know each of you just a little bit more. I'm looking forward to many more nights like this.

So Far So Good

2010-01-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

So far this year has been GREAT!
Easy to say heading into day four but in an attempt to take each day as it comes, So Far, So Good! It is the New Year. A symbolic opportunity to start fresh. Simply changing the calendar can offer a glimmer of what can be. With no pages to look back on it offers at least the appearance of new beginnings. Those osf you with 18 month calendars should be ashamed of yourselves! Screwing it up for us optimistic types.
I've done a bit of reading lately on resolutions. The theory itself intrigues me. Apparently I'm not the only one since there are news articles, stories, blogs, and even Facebook updates (yeah OK guilty) on the subject. There's statistical data on the most made resolutions, the most failed resolutions, those who make the resolution to make no resolutions and even the terribly gag-me sweet gifts-to-myself people (gift of better health through fitness, gift of time through organization, blah, blah, blah). I'm obviously not immune to the whole thing. However, as the last few days have passed I've re focused my thinking and reassessed my own resolutions.
There are things I want to accomplish this year, like getting my child birth educator certification. There are things that need to get done, like the de-cluttering, organization and final unpacking of the house. OK so we've been here for 3 years and still aren't fully unpacked - but who's counting?. Things I'd like to improve on, like finally keeping this damn blog up to date and being more patient. I think making a resolution is the easy part. Having the resolve to make major changes in your life is something else.
I've been productive so far this weekend. Eight boxes have been cleared from the garage. Divided into Trash, Keep and Donate boxes. Only 2 bins will be making back to the garage. The laundry is mostly done. The kitchen is tidy and my bed is made. I think the biggest change that I have made this weekend has not been tangible. It is a change in mindset. Or at least, in all honesty, a resolve to change my mindset. I can't say specifically what it was, but so far it's working.
Part of it, I think, is just a change in wording from "I'd like to at least get my hair brush put away to " I will put my makeup and hairbrush away" and doing it. It's the understanding that sometimes this just ain't gonna happen. Part of it is being conscious of the physical. Yes, absolutely, 100%those moments of quiet and inactivity are vital to your mental well-being. But how much of that time could be better spent productively without detriment? It's asking myself the question "Can I do more before I move on?".
Right now I have made that choice. I could be reading or watching TV, but this is something I want to work on. This is something important. I started this blog as a way to update family and friends about what was going on with my last pregnancy and life in gerneral. But writing is something I enjoy and is an outlet for me. Sometimes emotional and other tims creative, but I find comfort in it either way. I write to an audiance but not always for an audiance. It's just the way my head works.
Hopefully this change in mindset should allow me to not only do more that I enjoy but more effectively keep the house from falling down around us.
My biggest worry is being able to maintain this pace. So often we fall into patterns based on momentum. I envy those whose lives are more conscious than that. I guess that's the broadest definition of what I'm looking for. My resolution, my goal, my gift to myself is a life not based on momentum and one making the conscious, physical decisions that are the best that I can make them. I know some days will be better than others. Some weeks will have more tangible results.
So far, so good.

Brighter Days

2009-12-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

After a very long weekend and quite a few tears we got some great news yesterday! My hormone levels are well within range and climbing as they are supposed to be. AMEN! I still feel like I'm having a period which worries me but at least for now we are celebrating. I'm afraid to get too excited and and crash if something happens, but for now we are excited again. Every twinge is nerve wrecking. I have a doctor's appointment on January 6th. Hopefully then we can hear a heartbeat or at least get some more reassuring news from the doctor.
For now I'm counting this among my blessings. All is well and I can breathe again.

Sadness

2009-12-24T21:19:00.000-08:00

I've had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I haven't gotten the "confirmation" from the doctor but I know it has happened. I've gone from spotting to bleeding. I go in Saturday for another blood test to check hormone levels. At this point I'm just going through the motions.
All that I have done today is go through the motions. I have to believe in my heart that this is for the best. I have to know that this baby was not healthy and was not strong enough. That does not lessen the grief. I have been useless today. Empty. It's Christmas Eve and a horrible time to have to go through this. While we should be celebrating there is an air of sadness to me. I can't help it. I'm missing something. There is something missing in me. Quite literally. While it has only been a couple weeks we have been so excited. We have been congratulated. We have made plans and appointments. There is hope an joy in bring in a new life. Losing that is wrapped in the ultimate sadness. I can't seem to take a full breath. I can't concentrate. Doug has been working all day and I'm lonely. I've been lost in my own house.
I will be OK. I know that. I am sad but not devastated. Eventually this funk will pass.
Today I am sad.

Today I Am Thankful!

2009-11-26T07:10:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful.
I try to remember everyday to be thankful for the life I am blessed to have. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I do not remember that the things I struggle with are what make me who I am and are the tools I can use to become a little better every day. Sometimes I am high on how ridiculously happy I am.
Today I am thankful.
I am thankful to wake up to the sound of rain on my windows. It reminds me that the place I live in is green and lush and beautiful. The rain will cleanse the air and keep it cool when I have a house full of people today.
I am thankful for Fiona waking up in the middle of the night because it shows she is healthy and knows that whatever the problem Mama will fix it.
I am thankful for attitude from teenagers because they have learned freedom of expression. We're still working on self control but that will come.
I am thankful for 10 year olds who are independent because she is learning how to be her own person. And that person is amazing.
I am thankful for snoring dogs because they show us love and compassion and how to selflessly take care of another being.
I am thankful for family being here because it shows me how much people change and grow up and how we all become different people in our lives.
I am thankful for 27 people for dinner because it shows me we are loved and have an abundance.
I am thankful for my husband teasing me about inviting most of Pierce County because it shows me that he appreciates me for who I am and loves me with all that he is.
I am thankful for wonderful friends who tell my children "Help your mom, you know she won't ask for it even though she needs it" because she understands me.
I am thankful for my ex husband because he has made the decisions in his own life that has allowed my children to all be together today.
I am thankful for coffee because dear Lord it is going to be a LONG day.
Today I am thankful.

Blessings to you my loved ones, friends and family alike. Blessings to those of you who irritate the hell out of me because you deserve them to.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Firmly Rooted Transplant

2009-11-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

It hit me the other day that while I may be a "transplant" I have dug my roots firmly in here in Washington.
I still miss California. I miss the 70 degree winters and the blue skies. I miss the freeways and the open spaces and the billion different options for everything. I just miss the way it feels. It's difficult to explain unless you've grown up somewhere else and then moved. Everything just feels different.
I find I've got this funny mix of southern California and Washington going on in my head. I don't own an umbrella and I'm still trying to wear flip flops in December any time the sun comes out like there's a chance it isn't 40 degrees outside. I know every place in a 25 mile radius that has great tacos and horchata and expects to find a coffee place at least every block.
I miss the warm sandy beaches.
I'm amazed by this place still. I've never known the sky to be so blue, when it finally shows itself from behind the clouds. The summers are amazing and you will never, ever see so many different shades of green anywhere else. Spring is crisp and clean and pink. When the sun and the rain get equal billing everything explodes in color and comes alive again. This time of the year the trees are turning red and gold and the scenery changes almost daily. It's picturesque most days and I'm struck with how beautiful this place is and how lucky I am to live here. OK the winters suck. There's no way for me to gloss over that. I still can't get past the winters - I'm still a California girl at heart. There's only so much you can change. ;)
But for now I'm enjoying where I live. I need a sweatshirt and a latte' and I'm happy. I'll be complaining about the weather soon enough!

Simple Truths

2009-11-17T23:21:00.001-08:00

A few years ago for one reason or another I jotted down a few simple truths I like to live by. While my mind wandered away from me at some point today I remembered this and went to go find them. I don't know why I did either but it bears repeating. My life is so different than it was in June 2005 I wanted to see if I felt differently about anything. There isn't one that I would change and only one that no longer applies (and I opted to leave out)

Good enough isn't.
The measure of a person isn't in their words, but their actioins.
Any woman going to the bar alone is only looking for one thing.
There isn't much that could go wrong that can't be fixed by something expensive - or chocolate
There is very little a man can do that can't be fixed by a little blue box (if you don't know where the little blue box comes from, it's best you stay out of trouble. or ask.)
Know when to keep your mouth shut and your head down.
Know when to open your mouth and keep your head up.
Know where all the exits are.
Say your sorry. Especially when you're right. Harsh words sting the one who was wrong the most.
A lady doesn't need to wear a watch. All important events will be announced.
Be on time. Tardyness is just plain rude.
Don't apologize for who you are. If someone doesn't like you, it's their problem.
Don't expect someone else to applogize for who they are. You don't have to like them.
Don't be rude if you can help it.
Sometimes nice doesn't work. But be nice until it doesn't.
Anyone who says money isn't important has never had it, or been completely without it.
Anyone who says they wouldn't do XYZ for any amount of money has never been offered the right amount.
Love is a gift. Receive it as one. Give it as one.
Trusting someone is knowing that they won't fuck-up when it counts.
Loyalty is one of the most important things.
Faith is believing in something you can't prove to be right.
Learn from your mistakes. Even if you make them again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Even if they make the same ones again.
Forgive.
Most things can be let go. Most things should be.
Tomorrow is another day.
Make today matter.
The state of your house is a direct reflection of your life.
Never underestimate the healing power of cleaning.
or a good cry.
or a stiff drink.
Dogs and kids know when we need love better than we do. Always let one in your lap.
Never ask for more than you are willing to give.
Never bet more than you can afford to loose.

Arise

2009-11-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

Let me start out by saying that music is one of my very favorite things in the whole world. There are few other things that can move you like music. It makes you feel. It makes you think. There's a song for every mood. I have CD's I haven't listened to since my divorce because the lyrics are still too sharp. There are songs that I will listen to over and over because they bring me joy or remind me of something beautiful and wonderful. To hear these things live and watch the people blessed with this gift is one of the most wonderful things. It is something I have not done enough of over the years.
Last week Allie and I went to her first concert. What started out as a free acoustic show we won on the radio turned into tickets for the show that night. We were really excited as we both really like Flyleaf. I was looking forward to taking Allie and showing her what I love about live music.
This was so much more than I expected.
The "pre-show" was sponsored by the radio station and was the lead singer Lacey and the guitarist Sameer playing a short acoustic set for about 15 people. They came out and sat down and said hello. Lacey looked a little nervous. With eyes closed and wringing hands the voice that came out of this tiny woman blew me away. I've heard Flyleaf on the radio and at full volume in my car and was not prepared for the power behind the song. (I had to laugh a little when Allie noticed she was singing with gum still in her mouth.) The recordings of Lacey's voice do not do it justice - it doesn't allow it to resonate through your bones like it did in this small room. All I could think while watching her was that we were witness to something personal and intimate. There is real, raw emotion behind the songs. My first impression was that she was a musician - not a performer. Performing was part of it. Intimate gatherings like this one are part of the job. The joy is the music. The passion is the music. Here is this tiny woman with this huge voice sharing this with us. She's nervous. I would be nervous about baring my soul that way, too.
We got a chance to meet Lacey and Sameer after the show and get a picture and an autograph. They were nice and the kind of people you could sit down and have a coffee with. They were approachable and that was great. It might have had a bit to do with the fact that Allie is a head taller than Lacey. Allie was beside herself. How COOL was this!?
We wandered around around Seattle for a few hours. Had a coffee and a snack. Allie got the heck scared out of her by the Monk fish at the fish market. Really, the funniest thing I have seen in a while. They heard her scream 6 shops down. We had a good time and connected. It was nice to spend time together.
We stood in line with about 100 of our new best friends. From the look on Allie's face Christmas was waiting inside. All dark and punk-rock and loud - but Christmas still. She didn't know what to expect but she knew it was shiny and awesome! Once we got in she was all anticipation and energy. She kept asking what time it was and how long until it started. We ended up waiting a half hour past what the expected start time was. It was a concert, what can you expect.
It was worth the wait. My earlier impression was blown out of the water.
What I took as a nervousness seemed now a struggle to hold back the power and the passion in the song. What appeared now was a voice, a need, a power that was difficult to contain in such a small package. She practically burst. The accompaniment of the guitars and drums added to the feeling. It was whole. The package was complete. Her voice could only be complimented by the musicians she played with. Their music could only be lifted by her voice. The energy was explosive. I will definitely follow them for as long as they are able to share this amazing gift with us. Add to the talent a positive message and I'm hooked. "Arise and be all that you dream. Encourage each other and remember to sing over each other, over your family, and over yourself. Arise and be all that you dream".
Their newest album , Momento Mori, came out on Tuesday. Yes, we already have it and have listened to it. More than once. I had to load it on my ipod so that I have a hope of getting to listen to it and don't have to hunt down where Allie has hid it.
I hope this is able to foster the budding musician in Allie. Or at the very least will add to her love of music. Music is how Allie and I connect. I'm glad we were able to share this experience. If "alternative" is your thing, I definitely suggest you RUN to get your copy. NOW. What are you still doing here?

Arise and be all that you dream
Encourage each other
and remember to sing over each other
over your family
and over yourself
Arise and be all that you dream

23 for Thanksgiving

2009-11-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving just over 3 weeks away I am in full planning mode. I love Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. It wasn't always, but it is now.
I had to remind my introverted husband the other day that he loves me and does so for who I am as I revealed that at this point, without everyone invited coming or confirmed, we are at 23 for dinner.
"23?!?!?!?!"
*GRIN* "Yup!"
"23? Really?"
"So far"
"23 - So far? How many people did you invite?"
"Everybody"
Everybody is invited for dinner. It's Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving is great. Thanksgiving is easy. Even for 23. Or more.
I have so very much to be thankful for that I have come to embrace Thanksgiving. I love all that the holiday stands for. As an adult I have learned that it is not the re-enactment of history that our school system would lead us to believe. I know that we are not celebrating the coming together of two peoples because of a common goal. We have moved past celebrating the actual harvest. What we are celebrating is being thankful for what the year has given to us. If you believe that you will reap what you sow then this is the time to be thankful for those things. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a good life and a good family. I am loved. I have people to love. My daughters and husband are healthy. My house is warm. I have food in my cupboards and friends to spend time with. I have inconsequential things to bitch about. Life is GOOD and I am THANKFUL! So yes, bring on the people and the food and fill my house to the rafters with laughter and love!!
This is not my grandmother's Thanksgiving. We will eat at noon-ISH. You can come in your jammies if you wish. If you feel like you would like to bring something bring it. If you don't or you can't then come anyway. This is the one day of the year I feel like having someone say Grace before the meal. Richard, this is your gig by the way. Dinner is buffet style and "excuse me" and "can you scoop me some of that, too" and lots of elbows and hands reaching and people together enjoying the day. This is 23 (or more) people being thankful together. I'm looking forward to those who can "just drop in for a minute" and for those who can stay all day.
For reasons I'm not quite sure of the girls are not going to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving this year. I'm excited that they will be here with us but I am sad for them that they will miss out on this with their father. Allie asked me if I would let their dad come for Thanksgiving. I think I surprised her when I said that yes, he would be welcome here. Of course. Absolutely. She surprised me even more when she invited him! I'm not sure what he told her but I'm sure he declined. I did explain that what ever reason they had for not bringing them to him for Thanksgiving would also prevent him from coming here. I am glad to see that the spirit of the holiday is with her. It's about family and those that you love. He is our family and is welcome.
I hope 23 is not our final number. I hope to see many more people that day. If you can make it - great! If you can not I hope you enjoy where you are for the day.

Does anyone have any extra chairs? ;-)

I Believe In Angels

2009-10-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

I believe in angels. I believe that babies are angels. Anyone that has ever had a child I think will agree with me. They teach us patience, kindness, laughter, and how to find joy in the little things. The fact that a baby is born at all is itself a miracle. Sometimes babies grow out of their angel wings and sometimes they do not.

When I was a baby my parents had a son. He lived for 6 days. While I was visiting my mom this past weekend she gave me the information on where he is buried. My little family is dwindling and she felt that it was important that I have this information.
I remember going with her as a child. She went every year on his birthday. I always new this was a time to be quiet and be gentle. I remember the view. I remember the flags blowing in the wind. Most of all I remember my mom crying - but not really understanding. I remember wishing he had lived so she wouldn't cry and so that I would have someone to play with.
Eventually my mom stopped going to the cemetery. She got to a point where she felt it was OK and was able to stop. Since she had passed the information on to me I felt compelled to go. It was time. It was my responsibility. I should go at least once. I would pick up some flowers and leave them. I would say a prayer and take a moment.
I was not prepared.
I didn't really have trouble finding the area called "Baby Land". Even without the carefully written information I could have found the plot. I knew where I was and where I was going. I stopped the car, rolled down the window in case Fiona woke up, got out and walked four plots in.
I kneeled down, ran my fingers over the stone, set the flowers down and started to cry. I said "I'm sorry little one. I'm sorry your little body was not strong enough" and I cried. I looked around and I felt the wind and heard the absolute silence. There was no sound of traffic, no birds, and no other voices. I saw some of the stones around me, some of them with only one date on it. And I cried harder.
As a mother I cried.
For my mother I cried.
I kneeled in this place surrounded by angels and sobbed. I don't know how long I sat there before I could stop long enough to even catch my breath.
I ran my hand over the stone again and said a silent Thank You to the person who takes care of that place. There was not a blade of grass out of place and there was not a single scratch on his stone. I couldn't figure out how to stick the flowers in the ground. I felt inept. Eventually I just laid them on top and left. I had to sit in my car and try to gain my composure. I had to call a friend to be able to do that enough to drive.
I will go back. As often as I am in town I will go back. I have not even been able to get through writing this without crying but I will go back. When it is time I will pass this knowledge on to my children so that there is always someone who knows where this particular angel's body was laid to rest.

Mommy Groups

2009-10-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

Fiona and I attended our first Mommy Group meet up yesterday. Nothing fancy, we met at a local Starbucks and then walked the Enumclaw trail. It was about 2 hours and was deeply needed. The weather couldn't have been better. I do love this time of year in Washington. Despite sleep deprivation from the night before Fiona was all smiles and managed to stay awake for the entire time. I think she enjoyed seeing the other kids. I know I enjoyed the activity and social time.
I'm not good at meeting new people. For a very long time I have always had the same group of friends and had a hard time going out of that comfort zone. I like meeting new people, I'm just not very good at getting out there and doing it. I think this Mommy Group thing will be good for me and for Fiona. We don't really get much social time in and it's starting to be a problem with Fiona. She's very clingy to me and doesn't really want to go to anyone else. This includes her Papa and I know that is hard on him. But, I am all she sees and has during the day and I get a little anxious sometimes, too. So in an effort not to make the baby as batty as the Mama we're out to make new friends!

In a Million Words or Less...

2009-09-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

Allie came home from school today I asked her "do you have any homework?". She said "No, but YOU do!". She was really excited about this fact like she was somehow able to shed some of the daily responsibility of being a kid on the first adult to ask.
So here's my homework:
Please help me get to know your student by using the page below to tell me about your student in ONE MILLION WORDS OR LESS.
Crap.
How do I do this? This is for Allie - my magical, silly, intense Allie. If you've ever spent any real time with Al you know how difficult this is. She is my most complex child. She is in this horrible middle stage where she's not yet a teenager but not quite a little kid anymore. She's on the cusp of something big but doesn't know just what it is yet. She has changed a lot in the last couple years and it has been a trying time for all of us. Once she was a shy quiet child that didn't make friends easily. It has been a blessing to watch as she has come out of her shell and started to be social. She has a great personality. She's actually pretty damn funny. We're slowly having to learn what is fun, what is funny and what can be rude and disrespectful. She wants to help, but sometimes for selfish reasons. Which is not in itself a bad thing. However, she's also learning how to manipulate which worries me. We had a lot of problems last year. I think it was harder with her than it would've been with the other girls because I know how loving and awesome she can be. To see that ugly side of her was devastating.
Allie is painfully stubborn. When she sets her sights on something there is no deterring her. She will get it by any means necessary. I can only pray that we are able to channel this energy and use this for good.
We learned last year that if she doesn't want to do something there is nothing in creation that will motivate her to do it. She is willing to take whatever punishment we can dish out.
But there is the beautiful magical side of Allie. There is the part of her that lights up a room and can take the center of attention without trying. She's fun to be around and can really motivate others better than any of the other kids.
She is passive and shy and quiet and can move through the world like a charging bull.
When Doug and I first started dating she watched quietly and made up her mind about him. There was no convincing her. She stood back and came to her own conclusions. She does that with everything. Give her the information and she will put it together.
She has made me strive to be a better mom.
She has made me be more patient and learn to keep my cool.
I am looking forward to seeing the adult she will become. Looking at her now there is no way to predict what the future will hold for her. It will be where ever the wind takes her fancy. The life she will lead will be exciting and I pray that the person she chooses to spend it with can hold on and keep up.
I'm guessing this is not what the teacher has in mind.
She studies hard, is distracted easily and has difficulty turning in her homework. She is willing to put in extra work when she's not getting a concept but is reluctant to ask questions. She is eager to please and likes to help out with classroom activities - You'll never be short of volunteers. If your patience can take it you'll be blessed to have Allie as part of your class.
There, that's better.

Top 7 Ways to Have an Unnecessary C-Section

2009-08-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

I found this while poking around on various pregnancy/childbirth websites and found it amusing so I thought I'd share. (I need to just get it over with and get my childbirth educator/doula certification)

re-posted from this site.

7. Go the hospital in the early phases of labor. Get there realllly early so you feel a lot pressure to perform, even though you know that labor is usually a slow process. The earlier the better so you can get tagged with ‘failure to progress’ and get started with a series of medical interventions that’ll often end in a c-section.

6. Don’t eat or drink during a long labor. Just wear yourself out completely and then complain loudly of fatigue. This will up your chances of medical personnel suggesting the solution.

5. Get an amniotomy too soon. Once they burst your bubble you’re now on the clock for a cesarean. If you manage to move along at a snail’s pace you’re sure to end up under the knife!

4. Accept pitocin to induce or stimulate contractions. Since fetal distress is associated with the drug, you’ll have to have continuous electronic fetal heart monitoring which will immobilize you. Good call! The less you move around the better – that’s sure to slow the train. Plus, the drug-induced contractions are so strong you’ll be screaming for an epidural in no time.

3. Request an epidural. Now you’re totally immobilized, yay! Labor’s progress will likely slow down even further and pushing effectively will likely be much harder since you can’t get into any vertical or squatting positions that would work in your favor.

2. Accept hospital staff’s comments on lack of progress without challenge. Once they start complaining that you’re poking along and taking up space, get discouraged and give up. Turn all decisions over to them and you’ll be wheeled away in no time.

1. Just ask! Oh yeah … these days you don’t actually need to go through the hassle of labor at all. Just call up your OB and tell him/her you’d like to schedule your baby – the whole pushing a baby out thing is so inconvenient and last millenium. Your OB will probably be relieved anyways because you’ll be one less lady who might interrupt a good night’s sleep.

*A note on this list: Clearly there are real medical emergencies that can happen, and in those cases c-sections can be true life savers. However, the sad fact is that most cesareans are not done for legitimate medical reasons and in the last decade the number of c-sections has doubled to over 30% of US births. It’s not surprising that so many doctors are in favor of elective cesareans – after all, it’s certainly more convenient and they get to charge lots more $$$. As for us moms who get to make this choice – my feeling is that many women are just not well informed about the risks … because make no mistake: a c-section is a major abdominal surgery and poses significantly more risks to both mom and baby.

And since I like to end on an upbeat note, I wanted to share the cartoon above because it accurately reflects my feelings at this stage. :)

I thought I was catching up

2009-08-17T07:02:00.001-07:00

I guess not! Oh well.
There has been a lot going on the past few weeks.
Last weekend Doug and I drove down to Portland to meet my brother Danny for the first time. Long story condensed and dirt free is that he is my dad's son from his second marriage. When they split up she took Danny with her and that's pretty much where our involvement ended. Until about 8 months ago when I got an email from Danny trying to get in touch with my dad. There's a lot of messy details in the middle as there always is in the dissolution of a marriage and since I wasn't there I'll not speculate. At least not in such a public forum. ;)
Danny is awesome. We had a really great time when we met up at a park in Portland. He is a younger version of my father. The laugh, the smile, the mannerisms - everything. It's not just me seeing what I want to see because I finally was able to meet him. Doug noticed it too after only meeting my dad at the wedding. Even their personalities are similar. It makes it incredibly easy to be with him and connect with him. Which is just fantastic.
Fiona thought Uncle Danny was just the best thing since Cheerios! She normally has a bit of shyness and won't go to someone new for some time. She didn't have that issue with him and had no problem crawling all over him right away. I'm hoping he and his lovely wife will make it up for Labor Day weekend. His wife, Lisa, is awesome too. We connect on a woman-mom level and that's always good. Women can be friends with just about anyone - our families bind us - and being family is a great way to start.
Fiona cut her first tooth yesterday! I'm so excited but also a little nervous. She's still nursing and we're learning about this as we go. I'm not sure what happens when the teeth come in but we'll see. She's getting so HUGE it's just amazing. She can creep along the edge of the couch now. She can't pull herself up on the couch because the edges are too slippery but if you let her grab your hand she can stand up and will walk along the edge. She can go from her belly to sitting and then pull herself up standing in her bed or in her little play-yard. But she hasn't quite figured out that you must do it in that order. She can't pull herself from her belly to standing and that frustrates her sometimes. We bought her a walker but the pile on the carpet is too high and she just isn't quite tall enough to be able to move it around. It will all happen way too soon. But it sure is exciting.
We are trying for baby number 5. It's taking a little longer than I had anticipated but I know sometimes these things do. When it is right it will happen. We are both taking our vitamins and doing what we can. I am leaving the rest up to the powers that be.
I had the realization the other day when talking with someone that saying you are trying to get pregnant is akin to announcing "Hey everybody! We're having SEX - with a purpose!" While it's a normal assumption that this is something that happens between happy (and even sometimes no so happy) couples/adults, announcing it doesn't usually happen. This also opens the door for people to ask you whether or not you're having sex. While it may not be so blunt as all that it still is the same "so you're trying then?" Even funnier is the fact that this opens the door to questions regarding all kinds of other personal details that no one would think to ask any other time. Because we are actively trying we are taking some steps to try to make this a little more successful. I am doing BBT charting (for those of you that don't know what that is - look it up) and so we have a pretty good idea when exactly I can get pregnant and when I can't. This leads to some interesting questions. It just amuses me that something once so personal becomes so very public and open for random discussion. And yes I know, blogging about it on the internet doesn't exactly help. But we are of the information age and here's the information like it or not!
Doug is still loving his job. He is super busy and working very long hours. But it keeps him interested and out of the bars so I'm OK with it. :) It's nice to see him so passionate about his work. He takes what he does very seriously and his responsibility to the people he works with and for is very important. I do sometimes have to nudge him and remind him that whatever it is can wait until morning or later but for the most part he handles the balance well. Even though I am working part time from home I am very much back into the roll of housewife and keeper of all things domestic. I find I'm enjoying it and learning a new balance myself. I'm looking forward to the new school year and how that will mean adjusting the schedule for all of us.
Krystyne starts high school this year. Yikes! I'm not sure when I got old enough to have a child in high school but I'm not ok with it. I know she's excited and I am excited for her too. We are looking forward to going to the orientation next week.
Allie is starting 7th grade. I know that she's excited about being with the same kids for the third year in a row. She is also going to be playing in band again this year. I am hoping that she will try out for jazz band, too. She's doing so good with her trombone I know she'd have fun getting to perform more often. I think it will be good for her and Krysty to be in different schools this year, too. It will give them both the opportunity to get out of the "arent' you Allie's/Krystyne's sister" thing that they get into. I'm excited for what the new found independance will do for her.
Jane is going to be in 4th grade. She wants to start playing more sports this year and I think she will really enjoy it. She's getting so much bigger all the time. I just have to make sure that she doesn't get too big for her britches. It's hard when there are bigger sisters running around.
The biggest challenge when you have a large family is making sure that everyone gets the time and attention they need. Because of the wide range in needs this can prove tricky Doug and I as parents. This is something that we are aware of and are consiously working on. While it is difficult it is worth every bit of effort and we wouldn't change a thing.
So that's our latest update. We hope you all are doing well!

Maybe I need my head examined.

2009-07-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

The other day I had someone say to me "It's OK, I understand. You have teenagers - and a baby." I kind of giggled at first and as the day progressed I was more and more amused. My current lack of personal organization and inability to get simple tasks accomplished is socially acceptable because I have a reasonable excuse for having days where it is a good thing I have preference for slip on shoes - my kids.
So, for all of you moms (and dads) out there wondering what the hell happened - feel secure in the fact that you are not alone. When you look at your spouse and ask "When did we get stupid?", it was right about the time your kids figured out you do not know everything. That is also the time they figure (or at the very least believe) that they do know everything and you're a moron. I think they're just as confused as we are how we've managed to keep them alive this long with our bumbling idiocy. I think that the very act of trying to figure out what the hell they were thinking does blow out a few parental brain cells. Add this to my current and perpetual state of sleep deprivation and its no wonder I choose not to tie my shoes. I don't need that extra thing to think about in my day when my brain is already overloaded.
I have always said that there is a limited amount of space in a person's brain. When that space is filled up there is stuff that has to go. Unfortunately for me I am pulling space from my short term memory. I can give you directions from my mom's house to my first high school (because I need that tidbit of information). But when it comes to short term memory... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

That's OK. I have teenagers. And a baby.

Empty

2009-07-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

Houses are made to be lived in. Everyone knows that a house that stands empty for too long will need repairs that a lived in house does not need. They are built for people and absorb the energy of those people. My house has a lot of energy. Partly because there are a lot of people in it, but I think more so because there are children that live here. Children bring a certain vitality to a home that you can not get in a house of adults. There always seems to be a low level hum around here. There are kids on the phone, watching TV, reading, on the computer, talking, laughing - just being - at almost any given moment. When bed time finally rolls around about 10 or so and everyone is asleep there's a hush that blankets the place. You can feel it. It's heavy and warm. If you've ever been in a house when all of the children are sleeping you know what I mean. When one or more of the kids are gone, or even all of them you can tell. There is an emptiness to the house. That emptiness is here now. Allie, Jane and Krysty are in Wisconsin visiting Kraig. Fiona is with Phil and Penny for the afternoon so that I can get caught up on some work (which I pretty much have). Doug is even gone for the week on business. The house feels empty and lonely. There is something missing. The girls' rooms sit expectantly with beds that need to be made, books on tables and desks, and shoes kicked haphazardly around. There is comfort in knowing they left it that way knowing they would be back. Knowing that they would only be gone a relatively short time and they would be back to pick up the book, make the bed and run off with friends again.
Today the house is empty and anxious. Today the missing presense of children and family is felt deeply. I miss them. I know they will be home soon but I still miss them. 34 days until they are home.
The house can wait, and so can I.

Falling Behind

2009-07-14T07:50:00.001-07:00

It's been brought to my attention that I have not been updating as I should. I set up this blog to keep friends and family in touch with what we have going on and I have not done a very good job with it lately. Truthfully I wanted this for myself, too. I enjoy writing and I realize that the little bits of life are the ones that fall away from memory. The big things stick but our memories are sieves and we loose the finer points. That's as it should be.
There is just not enough room for all of the information we take in each day. But the little things hold their importance, too. It's nice to be able to look back and see the things you've forgotten. Sometimes those things are not so sweet but they are still a part of your past. They are what makes each person who they are. I re-read an email that Doug sent me in December 2006 telling me how much he had enjoyed our time together. How he wasn't looking to "add water and *poof* instant family, but the thought doesn't send me running for the hills either". All of that seems like a lifetime ago - and it was. That was our lives. This is our life. These are the kinds of things I wish to preserve here. The things I need to get better at recording.
So get to the updating already! OK, OK.
School is out for the summer. There were some speed bumps early on but I think we've managed to get through them. Krystyne is starting high school in the fall. I could really do without it honestly. I'm not ready but apparently she is. This is definitely a hold your breath and jump kind of deal. Allie will be in the 7th grade and Jane in 4th. Allie is keeping up with band this year, too. She's doing really well with the trombone and has decided to try out for jazz band, too! Jane wants to play something with the 4th grade band. We'll work with Doug's dad, Phil and see what he thinks a good fit might be and what the school needs.
Jane and Allie left for Wisconsin on Saturday. They spend six weeks there in the summer with their dad. Doug and I miss them terribly when they're gone. It's always an adjustment. While I personally don't mind the distance I wish for the girls that he would move closer. At least withing driving distance. I think they would benefit.
Krystyne will be joining them for a couple of weeks. Her own preference is to not be there quite so long. She still wishes to see him, but she's a teenager (painfully so) and she has her preferences. She would rather not be there for six weeks and we've given her that choice. It's funny to only have Fiona here. I know she misses her sisters when they're not here.
Fiona is growing by leaps and bounds! She will be 8 months old soon. She is eating real food and her personality is amazing. We have been blessed that she is such a happy baby. She is pulling herself up to standing any time she can grab something that will help her - usually a sister. She doesn't have much use for crawling yet. She doesn't want to waste all that time on her belly. The last couple days though she has managed to start scooting backwards until she is stuck somehow. Yesterday it was against the wall and under her swing. She started crying when she bumped her head on her swing every time she tried to move. Today it was the side of her crib - one chubby leg stuck up to her knee between the slats. She is very interested in table food. Breakfast is usually a handfull (or two) of Cheerios. Cheerios are more fun and she gets to do it herself. I tend to ruin the fun when I'm feeding her and don't let her take control of the spoon until all the food is gone. So Cheerios give her the opportunity to learn. She's building great fine-motor skills and even learning the art of sharing. One for Fi, one on the floor for the doggies (who very much appreciate this and spend a good amount of time sitting by her durring meals). Freddy is big enough that his nose is right about tray height. I'm pretty sure if he wasn't so afraid of her (yup - he is) and would actually get close enough for her to reach she would give him food. I know this is coming so I'll have to watch out. I'm certain once he figures out she'll give him food he'll warm right up.
She is still breastfed except for the solid food she gets. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. There have been difficulties but on the whole it's been fairly easy. I count myself one of the lucky ones. It has been a wonderful experience. I wish it wasn't hindering getting pregnant again but as far as "downsides" go - that one is pretty moderate.
And yes, for those of you paying attention and keeping track we are trying for baby #5. I am a little crazy. I have always wanted a big family and I'm happy to be able to have one. Five is a lot of children but it is a chaos Doug and I both enjoy.
I'm adjusting to being a stay at home mom again. While I do work part time and from home, I still consider myself a SAHM. It's an adjustment for me after so many years but I am enjoying it. It affords me the luxury to be here for my girls as they need me - and they do. I miss some of the social interaction that I had while working. I have yet to venture into the world of play-dates and mom's groups. I'll get there. But for now I'm ok with my solitude.
Doug is loving his new job as the Market Assets Protection Manager (MAPM) at Walmart. It's a lot of work and he so far has not had a "slow" day. It's work he enjoys and is good at. There is so much that he wants to do withing the position that we will hopefully be here for a long while.
Well that's it for now. You're all caught up. I'll get better at it. I'll post more frequently and we can avoid these long explinations of what has been going on for the last couple months and maybe I can get some substance back into this thing.
Thank you all for your love, patience and interest!

Brandy

The D Word

2009-06-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have been counseling a friend as she is going through the tragedy that is divorce. There have been repeated phone calls that start with "tell me this gets better". It does. Not for a very long time - but it does.
Eventually.
Until then we have to realign our lives. We have to decide which of the battles that litter every conversation are worth fighting - which in the beginning I was pretty sure was all of them. You have to get through the anger. At him, at your self, at each other, at everyone. You have to second-guess every single decision you made for the last few years before, during and after.
There will be times when you question if you did the right thing. You will one day look at him and you will remember the reasons you loved him and stayed for so long and you will see the man you remember on those quiet nights when it was just the two of you and you will want desperately to make it work again. And you will think about it. And you will be ready to try again. And then you'll stop yourself and cry. Then the whole bloody cycle starts over again until one time it doesn't. There is no magic potion for this. No way to make it easier. Acceptance comes of its own accord.
You are not the same person when you realize you have survived the night. Divorce changes you. How it changes you and if those changes are for the better or not are completely up to you. There are things you can do to make it easier and things you can do to make the ordeal just a slight more bearable. You can put a salve on a burn and take some of the sting away, too. But in the end the flesh must be stripped and the healing must begin. Until then you are raw. You find yourself wrapped in an intensity of feelings you didn't realize you could be surrounded by. Anger allows you to push through the sadness. Righteous indignation propels you forward for a time. It is a balance to not become bitter. Eventually the technicolor hatred dies down and rationality begins to settle in.
When it is only you two involved you can sever the ties and be done. When there are children you must re-learn how to interact with each other. You must no longer think, act, react about one another as you did as a couple. You can no longer expect the same leniecies or understanding that were once a part of the fabric of your relationship. All the rules have changed. You are adversarial countries negotiating a hostage exchange during war time. Children are the most amazing blessing in divorce. They make you realize where you priorities are and what is and should be most important. They do not, however, make the same realizations or priorities for both of you or at the same time. Again, acceptance will come. Understanding will come.
This is why lawyers are important. They supply rational thought and clear judgment where those involved can not. They provide a voice of reason when your own has gone on hiatus at a rather inconvenient moment. And, if needed, they can carefully and thoughtfully explain that while you may truly want to shoot him in the buttock you can not and will provide you a list of legal and rational reasons why that may not be in your best interest no matter how therapeutic. They charge you a lot to tell you this and other things you don't want to hear. But in the end it will make things easier if you listen to them. They can be worth their weight in gold - sometimes that's precisely their fee.
One day you will be able to admit your faults and realize you are both better off for it. You are bruised and battered and scarred - but you're through it. It does get better.
I was a bad wife to Kraig in the last couple of years of our marriage. I understand my faults and where I went wrong. I can recognize my part in the degeneration and eventual failure of our marriage and I hope that one day he will forgive me.
Kraig was a bad husband to me. I have reached acceptance but not yet found forgiveness. I hope he stubs his pinkie-toe on the corner of something hard every night before he goes to sleep. I'm working on it. I'll get there.
Eventually.

6 months

2009-06-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Fiona is just over six mon ths now. Edging closer to seven months every day and I thought I would share some recent pictures. We've gotten into quite a routine lately. She has dinner with us like a big girl! Doug and I alternate between who is giving her bites. That way be both have a chance to at least have a sort of warm meal. After dinner is a little bit of play time and then it's off to the tub for her favorite part of the day. Bath time has become fun. She plays in the bubbles and splashes and tries to get toys. Lately we have been experimenting with a cup at meal time and she likes to practice that in the bath too She knows just how it's supposed to work, but can't quite manage to get her chubby little arms to do what she's hoping they will. We're also learning cause and effect! Putting your mouth in the water means water (and bubbles)in your mouth. And nose. And eyes. Too much bouncing might mean falling backwards. And splashing can be funny, but can also mean splashin g yourself in the eye. We've also learned that voices carry and echo in the bathroom so there is quite a bit of chatter at bath time.

Fiona Blows Raspberries

2009-06-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

Our day at the Experience Music Projec

2009-05-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

Doug and I took the girls to the Experience Music Project in Seattle today. We even bought a membership since it was only $9 more than a single day's admission. We brought along a picnic lunch to have in the grassy area before we hit the museum. I was hoping that the International Fountain would be open but it was closed for cleaning. Oh well. We sat in the grass and had a nice lunch. Just sandwiches, chips, sodas and treats but it was nice. The girls ran around and chased each other and we even managed to get Doug to do a cartwheel.
After lunch we explored the museum and had a good time. All of the kids seem to really enjoy the Sound Lab where they could play different instruments - drums, guitars, keyboards and even sing! That's where they spent the bulk of the time.
Doug's favorite part was the Science Fiction museum and we spent a while looking around there and listening to Doug say "oooooh" a lot.
My favorite part was the Jim Henson exhibit. I LOVED the Muppets as a kid. The girls were able to play with the different puppets and be part of Electric Mayhem! One thing I would like to do is to get all of the Muppet movies on DVD and even some of the Muppet shows. They were such a big part of my childhood and I'd love to share them with the girls. I think they'd enjoy them. I was even able to get a copy of The Monster at the End of this Book. It was my favorite book when I was a kid. I remember reading it over and over. I can't wait to read it to Fiona. I know I read it to the other kids dozens of times.
All in all a pretty good day.

Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're invisible

2009-05-29T11:56:00.001-07:00

Folks, let's just keep this little tidbit in our minds.
Since they're doing construction on the south bound side of 410 and have closed the right lane causing a bit of a delay. This leaves time to notice the people waiting to make a left turn on the north bound side. I had the thought yesterday that perhaps the people on the north bound side were not used to the people in the south bound lanes being able to see them - or they're going too fast to register what ever it is that is going on inside the cars of the people heading the other direction. People do weird crap when they think no one is looking. Especially if they're alone. Even more so in their cars. Helpful hint - Cars have windows to see out of - this also means that people can see in to whatever it is you're doing in there.
Here's the thing... No one pays attention to the other drivers while on the road. "But wait!" you say. Think about the words for just a second. Yes, the majority of people pay attention to the other cars but not the other drivers! This can be a lot of fun and rather entertaining as I found out. While I'm not sure why the lady in the blue Camry had her mouth open like that, what the girl in the Escort was looking for in the back seat or what the passenger of the truck was quite so emphatic about while resting his feet on the dash (although apparently it did amuse the hell out of the driver) - I am sure that it amused me to make up stuff about them. I spent the rest of my time out running errands doing this and if you have a sense of humor like I do - which many of you do, that's why we're friends - you can imagine how fun(ny) this was.
I think next time Doug and I are in the car together I'll try to get him to play along.

So next time you're out driving by yourself you may want to keep in mind that there are other people that see what you're doing.
And they're laughing about it.

The Joy of Being Mom

2009-05-27T10:30:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've updated. I guess I've just been busy being and haven't really stopped lately to reflect and I can tell the difference. Mother's Day was wonderful and has had me reflecting lately on how much I am enjoying my role as a mother. There were times when I it was not at the top of my list of the most fun I've ever had. When you are having enough trouble with yourself it is hard to take on the role of caring for others. More and more often these days I find myself relishing in this part of who I am.
With the wide range of ages of the girls it can sometimes be hard to get my barrings. It's hard not to feel like you're on a rollercoaster when you're trying to seriously explain the need to "wait until you're really ready" while changing a diaper and being cooed at.
I was wondering the house earlier trying to entertain Fi and just took in my surroundings. Such a wonderful, hectic, fulfilling life I lead! How blessed I am!
As my husband left this morning looking handsome in his tie I had to chuckle to myself since I was excited I had already managed to get my teeth brushed and it was only 7:30! Here it is now 11 and I'm still kicking around what is basically my jammies. So for today a pony tail is the same as a shower (I was lucky enough to get 45 minutes for a bath last night!). Luckily the warmer weather makes this a little more fashionable.
The house is basically clean. Sure there's laundry to be done. There's 6 people in this house - there's always laundry to be done. But the diapers are clean. The floors were vacuumed yesterday (you can tell because the vacuum is still sitting where Krysty stopped and unplugged it). I've done a good enough amount of work for the morning. I've updated my facebook and the older girls are off to school. I think it's time to go enjoy the sunshine. Fiona has decided today is a short-nap-only day and is currently trying to entice the bulldog with a series of squeals and raspberries to come close enough to grab.
I'll put air in the tires of the jogging stroller, grab a Diet Coke and see if I can't find a dress I like for our anniversary. Maybe I'll even grab my ipod and go for a walk.

Life is good.

I am blessed!

2009-05-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

As Mother's Day approaches I have been thinking about how blessed I am to be one of the many women celebrated on this day.
Even as I sit here I can smell the lilies in the flowers my husband had delivered yesterday. The card said "For the mother of my children and the love of my life." The arrangement is beautiful.
I am blessed to have four amazing, beautiful, challenging daughters. We are dealing with boys and budding individuality. There is trying to find your place among so many and developing personalities. We have clashing desires and an ever shifting dynamic. The phone rings constantly, I can rarely find my hair dryer and there is almost always someone in a bathroom. They argue over who gets to hold the baby and whose turn it is to get time with Mom.
I have found a quiet joy in breastfeeding. While I sometimes sigh at the need to stop what I'm doing because of Fiona's demanding cries - I find it fills my heart to near bursting every time I do it. It is the magic touch to calming a crying baby. And it soothes my frayed nerves even when I am busy and would rather be doing anything else. Knowing that I am nourishing her and providing her with comfort and love with my body is amazing. Looking at the little person there is awe inspiring. I love sitting in a chair and watching her nurse. She watches me too. Big blue eyes staring at me, one hand trying to grab my hair or my shirt, little legs kicking contently. Life is good.
I should be doing homework right now. But the sounds of life going on around me is a bit distracting. Girls are talking, the TV is one, the baby is cooing, and Doug is out mowing the lawn. Straight lines in the lawn means he loves me. Circles are extra special. Today I get circles.

Jumpa Jumpa!

2009-04-28T15:49:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've updated and I have oh so much to update but no time! I thought I would just share this for now while I get my stuff in order.
This is Fiona jumping in her jumper. She loves this thing!

Faced with the past

2009-04-09T06:34:00.001-07:00

Boy what an interesting week. I've been tossing this around my head for a number of days now and am still having difficulty with it. The decision to post it here is mainly a therapeutic one. Writing puts my head together, gets my thoughts in order. If ever I needed orderly thoughts!
I finally got in touch with Ken - Krystyne's biological father. Well, more accurately he got in touch with me. I knew who it was right away. There are people in your life that you forget, and there are people that you never, ever will, no matter how much time passes. Ken (for obvious reasons) falls into that category for me. We had a great conversation and he agreed that he would sign the paperwork needed by the attorney for Doug to adopt Krysty. That is just so wonderful. I'm excited for Doug and Krysty. I'm excited for what that means to us as a family. I was not prepared for what happened next - he wants to get to know her and be in her life. AMEN! HALLELUJAH!! Wait! What?!?! Sure, of course, absolutely. She can only, you both can only, benefit from knowing each other. Oh hell.
I was not prepared for the emotional backlash this would have for me. We've talked a few more times and he tells me I've opened up a whole can of worms here. He's got people to tell about this and things to explain. He faces answering questions that he's never had to answer before. I've told him I don't blame him, I've never really been angry with him. I understood his reasoning when I first got pregnant. We were young. We weren't ready - but I had a different decision to make than he did. I do not fault him for the choice he made. We all choose our own paths and that was where our path together forked. I was young and emotional and pregnant. I cried. A lot. But, I had to stand my ground in the decision I made. I shut the door on thoughts of him. Shut it, barred it, pulled a dresser in front of it and tossed away the key. Ken became this abstract thought. A fact but nothing more. Krystyne's biological father was someone I dated for a while when I was young, I got pregnant, we didn't stay together, I moved on. No, I don't talk to him and I'm not really sure where he lives. I hope he's doing well, I wish him the best, I'm thankful for the beautiful gift he gave to me. Let's move on. That is how it has been for 14 years.
And now it's different.
Shit.
We talk and it's easy. There is the underlying trying to figure out what comes next in this whole thing, but it's easy. I remember why we got along so well 15 years ago. I remember that we used to talk for hours. We had fun together and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. I've always remembered him fondly. The weird part of it is that there is this tangible other person that shares those memories. He's no longer abstract. He's real again. And he wants to talk to my daughter. His daughter. Oh holy hell.
When you connect up with an ex after a lifetime it's usually fleeting. You find each other on facebook, run into each other at a reunion or in your hometown mall. You catch up. Maybe you tell some friends "hey you'll never guess who I caught up with". If you're lucky you smile a bit at the time you had. You move on. What doesn't happen is you suddenly realize that you have a lifetime connection with this person. They are suddenly now, and will always be a part of your life. That doesn't happen! Oh wait, apparently it does.
Maybe I'm being selfish here. I know I'm being selfish here. This is a big deal for Krysty. I honestly had not thought about the "what if he wants to know her?" question. I got that a lot. It was easy. Sure, he should, that would be great for them. Doug asked me if I wasn't really expecting this. Wasn't I prepared for this? Well, no. In theory it's great that he wants to be in her life but I never ever expected it. It was best case scenario. Now I am faced with what that means. They talked for about 30 minutes on Sunday and she was thrilled. He sent some pictures and she smiled at them. A huge smile that mirrored the one she was looking at. Wow. This is real. This is happening. He exists. I'm happy for them.
We'll work this out. We'll figure all the ins and outs and subtleties of this new relationship between the three of us. Slowly, we will include everyone else that this affects. The quirks of this are what they are.
I just have to remember to breathe.

Wait... I paid for this??

2009-04-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

I've finally made the commitment to do something about all the "left-over" baby weight. I've been talking about it for months. Since before Fiona was even born. Up until now I haven't really done anything proactive about it. I've whined and sulked and had another cupcake - but I haven't made any real effort to change how I look. I've never really had to worry about my weight. I've always been one of the fortunate few with a fantastic metabolism and good genetics. My body seems to know what size it is supposed to be and it stays that way. Something changed. I think it was turning 30. But now all this stubborn belly weight is hanging on. My clothes don't fit. My shape is not one I am happy to see in the mirror. I think this is some kind of bad karmic joke. I am finally happy in my own skin. My body was one I was proud of and I was comfortable with how I looked. I had my moments, but for the most part was confident. Apparently the universe feels that I have to earn that contentment.
I joined a gym. Sort of. It is a gym but not in the sense that you normally think. There are no machines. No treadmills and ellipticals, no weight machines that no one really knows how to use anyway. Well, I don't know how to use. They have a program called Cross Fit. I tried it out for the first time today and I have never had such an intense and difficult workout. I worked harder than I thought I could and used nothing more than my own body weight and a couple of bars. No machines or treadmills. I thought I was going to pass out. I was lucky I didn't throw up. And honestly I can't wait to go back! It's more expensive than a regular gym membership but cheaper than working with a personal trainer and works out to less than a latte a day. I just haven't figured out how to convince Doug that this is something we should splurge on. I'm going to go take some ibuprofen and try not to stiffen any more.

Rolling over!

2009-03-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

Fiona just rolled over! She's rolled over from her front to back a couple of times on our bed - but this is the first time she's done it on the floor. I think our bed is easier because it's so soft and has the feather bed topper on it. This time she actually had to push herself over! YAY! It won't be too long before she's going the other way and then crawling. I can't believe how big she is already.

Oh what a day!

2009-03-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

Today has been a really big day for us. First and foremost Doug got a new job! YAY! I won't butcher the details of his job, but he'll be working for a company called Impark in Seattle. It's a bit of a commute but he'll be able to take the train in some days. I'm so proud of him! It's been a blessing to have him home. I will definitely miss him when he goes back to work and I know Fi will miss her Papa-Time during the day. But, it's great to be able to get back on track. I know he was starting to get a little antsy here with me all day.

Krystyne had a meeting with a modeling agency in Seattle today. She was approached by a scout at the auditions for the mall fashion show and we made an appointment with the gal. She said she really liked how Krysty looked and thought that she would be great for their agency. We went to the office, they took some measurements and some pictures and she will present Krysty's photos to the group to see if they are interested in picking her up. If they do it means getting head-shots, but that will be the only money we have to put out. They will do the work on getting her promoted and getting her work. I told her not to get her hopes up too high, but I know she is excited. Of course we all think she's beautiful, but we'll see what they say. I am excited for her.

Allie has been working very, VERY hard on her school work lately. She has been asking since last year if she could have her hair pink. I told her that when she brought home a report card with all A's and B's that I would dye her hair pink for her. This has been a real struggle as we have been fighting with getting assignments turned in as well as asking for help and using the resources available to her when she is struggling in something. Well all of her hard work has finally paid off and she was able to have her hair dyed! It was a fun time for the two of us and I know I really enjoyed the whole process. This is kind of a big deal, as she is the only girl in her grade to have her hair this way. My hands are bright pink from rinsing it but thankfully I don't really have to go anywhere that it'd matter. Doug and I are SO VERY PROUD of all the hard work that she has done lately. There have been some long nights, some fights, and some tears of frustrations from all of us. Tonight was the reward for all of it. This was fun!

She looks beautiful no matter what the color!

Adoption

2009-03-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

We went to see a lawyer yesterday about what it will take for Doug to adopt Krystyne. It's a rather easy process. All I have to do is find her "biological donor" and get him to waive his rights to her. Hopefully this should be relatively easy. I was able to get in contact with his dad (awesome that he's a Jr so it was pretty easy) and hopefully he will pass my contact information along. If I don't hear something by the weekend I'll make one more phone call and then turn the information over to our lawyer. I really hope that it will remain simple. I can't imagine after all this time that he would want to cause a stir now. Especially since his dad told me he is married with two kids. I don't want to cause problems for him - I just want to be able to get Krystyne adopted by someone who loves her as much as I do.

Fun at the mall

2009-03-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

The girls and I went to the mall today and I couldn't help it! It took a little convincing to get Allie in on it but it was SO worth it.

This has to be the funniest thing I've ever gotten for $15!

2009-03-11T10:56:00.000-07:00

Finally I have been able to get some pictures of Jane! It seems like it goes in shifts on who I can catch pictures of and who gets left out from time to time. Here she is looking FABULOUS! for her field trip to see a play. She was very excited to go and wanted to look her best! I even got a good smile!

We started giving Fiona bananas this week. It has apparently made for some interesting diapers but she sure loves them! We started with bananas just because it's what I happened to have on hand and she was watching me eat one. So I smooshed a little piece and gave it to her. She just loved it. Normally I would worry about them causing her to be a little constipated but since she only gets breast milk the rest of the time I know she'll be fine. She had a little bite of potato at dinner the other night and liked that too! Maybe we'll try some avocado later. I know babies usually start off with cereal but I would rather start her with whole, "real" foods. Since she's not eating them for any nutritional reasons (all of a baby's nutritional needs are met with breast milk until they're a year old) I don't see any real reason to give her any kind of "filler". She really seems to enjoy the taste and texture and she's learning about new things!

~mmmmm, nanners are goooood!~

~Look how cute I am! More, please!~

Maybe I'm Amazed

2009-03-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

Watching Doug with Fiona has been such an amazing experience. He has astounded me with how natural he is at taking care of her. There are still things that he forgets. Like making sure she has on a clean, dry diaper before putting clothes on her - especially when we are going somewhere. But there are so many other things that he does that he is better at than I am. When she's in her swing or her bed and starts to fuss I will start to go to her and he stops me and says "she's just fussing, just give her a minute". Sure enough, she calms down in just a few moments and is fine. He can calm her faster than I can and put her to sleep deeper. He says it comes from spending most of the time trying to keep her quiet so I can sleep or work. I think it comes from more than that. These things come naturally to him. He has almost endless patience with all of the children. Patience I can't even pretend to have. It's been a real gift to share these things with him.

We're back

2009-03-03T09:10:00.001-08:00

We had a great time in California. It's good to be back. I've got a lot of work to catch up on from being gone and homework to do. Yuck.

It was so good to see everyone! Here are some of the 500! pictures that I took.
Enjoy!

Valentine's Day

2009-02-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Valentine's Day. After cards (all of the one's Doug got us made me cry) and chocolate we headed into Seattle. One of these days I WILL make it to Woodland park zoo. By the time we got into Seattle and had lunch it was after 2. The zoo closes at 4. No point in going for a couple hours. So we skipped it. Again. We will have to make that an early trip one day.
We headed to the science center instead. We have a membership there and should really use it more. But for us, using it twice a year makes it worth the cost of it. The girls had a good time. We went to the Lucy exhibit which was pretty interesting. Lucy is the oldest human remains ever found. There was a lot of history on Ethiopia and I really enjoyed it. I know it got a little long winded at the end for the girls but it was still pretty cool. There wasn't much time after to wander the rest of it but the kids still had fun. Whenever we go we make sure to go to the butterfly house. I love the warmth, the light and the butterflies all around. Fi could've cared less about the butterflies but it was fun for me.
It was nice just to spend some time together. Family outings are fun, we just need to do them more. Now that the weather is clearing up a bit I may look into some day hikes and such. Maybe we'll head to the falls or the coast soon. Even a good hiking trail to the mountains would be great. I should keep an eye out for some kayaks. I think the girls would like that.

Blessed

2009-02-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking lately that Doug being laid off is a blessing in disguise.
We have our expenses handled until about May. While we won't be living extravagantly in that time, we will be comfortable. We are still going to California at the end of the month and are planning at least one day/weekend trip with the girls before they go to Wisconsin for the summer (there will be tulips this year!).
I've convinced Doug that he needs to go back to school and finish his degree. He was so close to being finished when we met. But, the whirlwind that was the beginning of our relationship had him sidetracked. From single, to living together, to fancy wedding, honeymoon, and baby all in under two years is a lot! He says getting sidetracked from school was worth it. Now it's time for him to finish. Since his school is self paced he could finish in a relatively short amount of time. It means more student loans. In the end he will increase his yearly salary more than we could borrow. I'm proud of him for making the commitment.It's also been nice having him home with me during the day. He has been a wonderful help with Fiona. This time that they are spending together is precious time that he'll cherish. He's getting to see so much more with her and enjoy this fleeting time. She is getting bigger every day and there are just some things that you miss when you're working away from home. I think they're relationship will be stronger for it. I know it is making him a better dad. He is more in tune with her moods and knows her cries. He knows what she wants and how to make her happy. That is a marvelous feat in itself. Being the only man in a house with five women it is a grand accomplishment to be able to make at least one of them happy at a time! (Everyone has accepted that the next one will be a girl too right?)
Because Doug has been home he has been able to get Allie back on track and give her the individual attention that she needed. We've had two weeks without a single missing or late assignment! I am so proud of her and I believe it is because of the time that Doug spent coming up with what has worked. I was at my wits end and didn't know how to get through to her. One full day of exercise and chores and a new way to do things helped put her on track. She will need us to continue to check on her every day for the rest of the year, but I think we are definitely building the foundation for success from here on out.

Friday was Jane's Valentine's Day party at school and Doug was able to be there with her and help out. She said it was a lot more fun since she had someone there with her. Not only did we bring something, he was THERE! It's great for him to have that time and I know he enjoyed it.
While we didn't initially think of his lay off as a good thing, it is turning out to be that way.

Fiona's Baptism

2009-02-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

Fiona's baptism was Sunday. It was so nice to see those of you that were able to make it. Thank you for all of the blessings and prayers that everyone sent. They were just beautiful. It is so wonderful to know that this little girl is so very loved by her family and has such a fantastic support system already. A good community of friends is just as important for a child as her parents.

First Pictures for February

2009-02-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

Doug is finally learning not to move when I pick up my camera. It's not always easy to catch these moments but it's great when you can. I absolutely LOVE my camera. It's one of the most expensive things I've ever bought for myself but I'm glad I did it. I wish I had more time to get in the technical side but for now I'll be content with catching shots like these.

Two month check up

2009-01-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

Fiona had her two-month well baby check up today. She is 12lbs 9oz! That's more than three pounds since birth! WOW!
We met Dr Merrill for the first time today and I like him. He offers his opinion but said "you're a pro at this by now". He applauded the fact that she was breast fed and chunky. He was happy about our breastfeeding goals - at least one year, up to two. He didn't bash us for co-sleeping for part of the night, but gave us information on how to help get Fi to sleep in her own bed and for longer. He made mention of moving her crib out of our room for better sleep when she was about 6 months old but we'll get to that when we get to it and that we need to be careful that we don't squish her and use common sense. I don't like the idea of moving her at the moment but we'll see in 4 more months. I find that I am more paranoid with her than I was with the other girls. A lot of the decisions I never consciously made - it was just how we did it. Now that I feel I have the choice I find that my decisions have not changed. I'm not sure why I am so much more worried about her than I was the others. Maybe now that I have less personal stuff to worry about I transfer that to my children. I find I worry more about all of them more now. Maybe we're just faced with more to worry about than a decade ago.
Fiona got her first shots today. I forgot how gut wrenching it can be to have to hold your little one while they get hurt. When we were talking to Dr. Merrill he asked us if she had received the Hep B vaccine in the hospital. I told him that we had not and didn't find it necessary right now. For the most part I agree with the vaccines but I think we can skip the one for the STD. Thankfully he was supportive and just said "you'll probably have to sign a waiver for school" but that was it. It was really nice to have a doctor that supported my position as a mom!
Well, she's finally quiet. We've got the "I-got-shots-today-cranky" going on. I'm going to try to sneak in a bath before the next meltdown.

YAY

2009-01-30T07:49:00.001-08:00

I just booked our tickets for our trip to California in February! I couldn't be more excited. I was just about devastated when Doug was laid off and it looked like we wouldn't be able to make it. We had been planning on taking a few extra days and driving down with the kids but that has been the only change. We will be coming home at different times. Fi and I will be staying an extra day. It just worked out that way with the flights. Thankfully we were able to fly on flight miles and so the airfare didn't cost us anything!
Now all I have to do is make arrangements for Al and JF for the night we leave and we're all set. Krysty will be spending the night with her BFF so we're covered there and Gr and Gr Strange will be picking up the girls the next day after school.
I'm just so damn excited! It's been a long time since I've been back to California to visit and unfortunately the last time was not under happy circumstances. I'm really looking forward to celebrating and visiting with everyone!!!

2009-01-30T06:08:00.001-08:00

We went to Allie's science fair last night and I took my camera with every intention of taking her picture next to her project. But, the moment we walked through the doors she took off with friends. I thought the above picture was most fitting to describe what it was like at the science fair. Allie did a great job on her project and we were really proud of here. There were some pretty cool projects there, unlike the one at Jane's school. I do understand the difference between the middle school science fair and the elementary school science fair. They should have had one row for Which Candle Burns the Slowest/Fastest, one for Which Paper Towel is the Most Absorbent (Allie did this one last year), and and one for Which Soda/Mentos Combination Makes the Highest Fountain.
We were impressed with some of the project ideas - some of which were pretty funny! Like, Who Will Get Better Scores on a 5th Grade Standard Test. The people tested were a 5th grader, a 6th grader, an adult without a college education and one with a college education - complete with pictures of each. According to the student's findings, the adult without the college education did the worst, while the 6th grader did the best. Here's the part that amused us - the pictures! It was probably the student's parents and sibling judging by the pictures. Here it is posted in the hallway for the science fair, for all of the sixth graders and their parents and their siblings to see. All I could think of was walking past the guy in the hall and thinking "Hey! You're the guy from So-and-So's science project. Man, tough break!". Maybe it was a pop-quiz, there was no time to study. Could've been a long day. Ran out of coffee? Didn't eat his Wheaties? Guess we'll never know. Something tells me that project is not one that will be saved for all time. No sense in reminding Gramps he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed!

No FAIR!

2009-01-29T10:59:00.001-08:00

I started my period this morning. Damn it. Not because I was hoping or expecting to be pregnant but because I was hoping to put off fertility for a few more months. For some women (apparently not me) exclusively breast feeding can prevent fertility for the entire time you're doing it. It's kind of nature's way of giving your body time to heal and enjoy your new baby. I guess Mother Nature feels I've had enough time and pregnancy prevention is now my problem. Well, damn.

OK - Doug's laughing at me. I guess my annoyance at this perfectly normal, natural, part-of-being-a-girl thing amuses him.

This does explain why I've been such a cranky bitch lately. And my uncontrollable urge for chocolate yesterday.

Pictures

2009-01-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

I was going through my pictures and I thought I'd share a few.

Freddy looking pathetic! Any time his bowl is empty he likes to carry it around the house. Little kids have a blanket or a pacifier - Fred has his bowl. Just because it's empty and just because he's carrying it around doesn't mean he's hungry. Most of the time there is a full bowl of food in the dining room! Pathetic dog!

Jane at Allie's concert. If you look closely you can see the mess that seems to gravitate to Jane's face! She had some hot cocoa from Starbuck's and of course is now covered in it. I'm not sure how she manages it, but it's just part of being Jane! I wish Grandma was still alive to watch her name-sake grow. I often wonder how much alike they might be.

Showering the baby! Check out those fat rolls!

Here's Fi and the wonderful Dr. Fassler. He's restored my faith in OB's and helped us have a wonderful birth experience. Next time I think we'll go with the midwife and a home birth, it's nice to know that we have a doctor like this in our corner.
And yes, I think Fi has more hair than he does!

Just chillin' in the stroller! Her cute little fleece jacket from Aunt Reggie & Uncle Rocky is still a bit big but she looks so darn cute!

Allie reading a book and cuddling with Fi and Ninja. Sometimes a little quiet with those you love is all you really need.

Fi, Papa and the Fat Cat. It's these moments that make the whole world seem just a little better.

Playing with stuff

2009-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd see how difficult it was to put a video up here. Apparently pretty easy!
This is Allie's first band concert! Boy, we could have fun with this!

Papa gets a turn!

2009-01-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

Doug tried his hand at giving Fiona a bottle of breast milk. I was only able to pump about 1oz. I had to feed her a bit first so that she wasn't quite so hungry so she would take the bottle at all. She ate about 1/2oz before she wasn't happy with it any more. This is pretty normal for a baby that has been exclusively breast fed for the last two months. Once I have a good store of milk we'll try to let her have a bottle every now and again. We'll have to get her used to taking food from someone other than me. When she realized that there was food in what Papa was trying to give her she looked pretty surprised! We'll try again soon. I think Doug enjoyed it more than she did.

New Bestest Friends!

2009-01-18T17:42:00.000-08:00

Noelle and Jean-Michel Christopher came over with their daughter Amelia the other day. She is 3 weeks younger than Fiona and we've decided they are the best of friends already.
The difference between the girls is amazing. Amelia is so much smaller than Fi! While they're not too aware of each other now, they will be. It's great to have a friend!